It has been a while.
A long while, too.
I just looked and the last time I posted, it was July. Huh. Yeah. . .a lot has happened in that time.
I lost weight, started school, and stopped exercising because I took on a super load of classwork and ran out of time.
No, let's be honest here. It's the internet. Where else can you be totally honest?
I stopped making time.
I stopped planning out meals, making them, trying to eat well and exercise more.
I am doing well in classes, but there is the sting of embarrassment every day when I try to squeeze into those tiny desks. I want one day to be able to slide in and out easily.
Needless to say, I gained weight. Like lots of weight. At one point I had gotten down to 236 lbs and now I am back to 260.6 lbs.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I know it is hard, but I am losing steam. I just keep seeing myself as this woman who has been through so much and I have come out on top of everything except for my weight.
I feel like I should cut myself some slack, but at the same time, I just end up eating my feelings. Every. Single. Time.
I overeat as well. I eat until I am so full that I feel as if I will burst. This 'bursting' feeling is so awful. But I can't stop myself. It is as if I think I need to punish myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life.
I am feeling defeated. But I have no more pants in size "defeated", so I have to get my act together or find some money in our budget for some new ones.
I am going to work on posting some more sometime soon. And I will work on being cheerful, as difficult as that may be.
I need support right now, so thanks to all those who read this blog. I hope it keeps me honest with losing weight!
Weight Loss Ticker
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It's Official
I'm depressed.
At least I know it now and can *hopefully* change my habits before they become too destructive.
I just realized the past few days that my reaction to everything is to eat crappy food.
Over the past month, I have gone to SD, which was hot and muggy compared to my desert home. I have a hard time keeping a positive self-image when visiting. My beautiful & amazing mother verbalizes her hatred for her own amazing body multiple times a day. And while praising my ability to lose weight, she constantly berated her own size 10 figure in front of me. Even if I was smaller, I would still hate to hear her speak these things aloud.
Add to that the fact that I have NEVER been her size in my semi-adult years (post middle school), and how she says she is so "fat", and I feel like I had to constantly remind myself of my inner beauty to just get through the 2 weeks.
My husband was on his own vacation, so I wasn't even able to get hugs from him and cell reception for him was minimal, so I couldn't really talk with him like I had wanted.
Then, on my last day, I found out that the tooth pain that just sorta came out of nowhere was because a molar of mine needs a root canal and crown. I got this mostly figured out after getting home, but my tooth is in so much pain I am taking ibuprofen/tylenol almost constantly.
At the very end of our vacation, about two hours before we were planning on taking off, my husband's step brother set off fire crackers (which are illegal here) 10 feet from me when I had let my guard down. I FLIPPED out. Like, screaming, crying, hyperventilating, picturing my son being blown up by this idiot's idea of a good time. NOT a good day for me.
Since then, I have been on edge. Add to that the fact that my son is entering his "terrible twos" phase with extreme fervor--complete with screaming at nothing, hitting, licking (yes, putting his tongue on everything, including me, the ipad, and many disgusting things), and then wanting me to sleep right next to him at night--and I may just be on my last nerve.
I tend to hide under a desk when stuff like this happens, figuratively speaking, and so I couldn't make it to church (too many people in one spot) and it killed me to leave the house.
So I ate. And stopped making good food because all I wanted was chocolate. And cake. And frozen pizzas. And anything else that would make my mother cringe to know people eat. Except Spam. That stuff grosses me out to even think about. *shudder*
And it wasn't until yesterday that I finally admitted I was depressed.
My son has been going through a hitting phase--this is not a happy thing for me & stresses me out more than I can even begin to tell you. He started hitting me yesterday when I had no option but to just hold him until we got to the car. By the time we got to the car, I had already decided to get +Taco Bell. What can I say, tacos are a comfort.
So now I am left with more weight to lose (I have gained 6.2 lbs since SD), a dark cloud hanging over my head, and very little sleep since my mouth is in pain.
Hopefully this will pass soon.
At least I know it now and can *hopefully* change my habits before they become too destructive.
I just realized the past few days that my reaction to everything is to eat crappy food.
Over the past month, I have gone to SD, which was hot and muggy compared to my desert home. I have a hard time keeping a positive self-image when visiting. My beautiful & amazing mother verbalizes her hatred for her own amazing body multiple times a day. And while praising my ability to lose weight, she constantly berated her own size 10 figure in front of me. Even if I was smaller, I would still hate to hear her speak these things aloud.
Add to that the fact that I have NEVER been her size in my semi-adult years (post middle school), and how she says she is so "fat", and I feel like I had to constantly remind myself of my inner beauty to just get through the 2 weeks.
My husband was on his own vacation, so I wasn't even able to get hugs from him and cell reception for him was minimal, so I couldn't really talk with him like I had wanted.
Then, on my last day, I found out that the tooth pain that just sorta came out of nowhere was because a molar of mine needs a root canal and crown. I got this mostly figured out after getting home, but my tooth is in so much pain I am taking ibuprofen/tylenol almost constantly.
At the very end of our vacation, about two hours before we were planning on taking off, my husband's step brother set off fire crackers (which are illegal here) 10 feet from me when I had let my guard down. I FLIPPED out. Like, screaming, crying, hyperventilating, picturing my son being blown up by this idiot's idea of a good time. NOT a good day for me.
Since then, I have been on edge. Add to that the fact that my son is entering his "terrible twos" phase with extreme fervor--complete with screaming at nothing, hitting, licking (yes, putting his tongue on everything, including me, the ipad, and many disgusting things), and then wanting me to sleep right next to him at night--and I may just be on my last nerve.
I tend to hide under a desk when stuff like this happens, figuratively speaking, and so I couldn't make it to church (too many people in one spot) and it killed me to leave the house.
So I ate. And stopped making good food because all I wanted was chocolate. And cake. And frozen pizzas. And anything else that would make my mother cringe to know people eat. Except Spam. That stuff grosses me out to even think about. *shudder*
And it wasn't until yesterday that I finally admitted I was depressed.
My son has been going through a hitting phase--this is not a happy thing for me & stresses me out more than I can even begin to tell you. He started hitting me yesterday when I had no option but to just hold him until we got to the car. By the time we got to the car, I had already decided to get +Taco Bell. What can I say, tacos are a comfort.
So now I am left with more weight to lose (I have gained 6.2 lbs since SD), a dark cloud hanging over my head, and very little sleep since my mouth is in pain.
Hopefully this will pass soon.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Two goals down!!!
As of Sunday, I have met my second goal! Pictures to come soon!
50 lbs lost! I weighed in at exactly 250.0, which blew my mind that I did it, but I am so grateful!
I got some new clothes today and that is soooo fantastic. Pants that fit, shirts that flatter! Wow! And, today marks day 1 of 10 on a vacation sans the hubbs, so when I get back to him I will look super awesome with my new clothes and hopefully a few more pounds down!
Hooray!
My mom also said that while on this vacation, she would pay for a gym membership for me for the week. Chuze fitness here has a great gm, so I am going there. I am so excited!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Two Weeks Of Glory
I weighed in yesterday morning and it was way better than I thought.
I have been doing this whole one good, one not-so-good week of weight loss, so with over 5 lbs lost last week, I thought for sure it would be like 1 lb this week.
But nope!
I lost another 5.8 lbs!
So now, in order to make my goal, I have to only lose 1.4 lbs by next week. I can totally do this! Then I will have made two goals in a row.
I am pretty stoked about that. I want to make this next weigh-in so badly. I want to see myself at the 50 LBS lost mark. I am so close!
In about 2 months I will be starting school again (it seems a lot closer than that) and life will be getting a lot more hectic. I have to get as much weight lost now as possible and as strict a pattern down for myself so that when classes resume I won't have to worry about getting back into the swing of things.
I am ready to rock this out! As soon as I hit that goal, I will post more pics. Be ready--I think I may actually have some good ones. :D I found a picture from my son's birthday party last year, and I am SO hoping I will be able to never see that again. His next birthday is coming up and I will make sure to take pictures and make sure you can see the difference.
Keep your spirits high and keep working hard!
I have been doing this whole one good, one not-so-good week of weight loss, so with over 5 lbs lost last week, I thought for sure it would be like 1 lb this week.
But nope!
I lost another 5.8 lbs!
So now, in order to make my goal, I have to only lose 1.4 lbs by next week. I can totally do this! Then I will have made two goals in a row.
I am pretty stoked about that. I want to make this next weigh-in so badly. I want to see myself at the 50 LBS lost mark. I am so close!
In about 2 months I will be starting school again (it seems a lot closer than that) and life will be getting a lot more hectic. I have to get as much weight lost now as possible and as strict a pattern down for myself so that when classes resume I won't have to worry about getting back into the swing of things.
I am ready to rock this out! As soon as I hit that goal, I will post more pics. Be ready--I think I may actually have some good ones. :D I found a picture from my son's birthday party last year, and I am SO hoping I will be able to never see that again. His next birthday is coming up and I will make sure to take pictures and make sure you can see the difference.
Keep your spirits high and keep working hard!
Thursday, June 13, 2013
The Very Best Meal of My Life!
I am still reeling over the explosion of heaven and awesome that just happened in my mouth. I found a pin on Pinterest with mozzarella, spinach, pesto, and huge slices of tomato in a panini and thought it looked good.
My hubbs had a similar sandwich sans pesto but with pepperoni at a farmers market in San Diego recently, so we had to put this on the menu.
I put maybe a teaspoon of pesto, two very thin slices of mozzarella, VERY thin slices of tomato, lots of spinach, and one deli slice of pepperoni. I went for the deli slice because it is better quality and you can get it as hick or thin as you want and order as much or little as you need.
We put a little bit of olive oil on the outside of the bread before pressing and then ate with some grapes.
Oh my heavens!
I could eat this every day. One tiny sandwich filled me up and made my stomach smile a thousand smiles.
All this for just 300 calories! Hoo rah.
Calories 300 Calories from Fat 69 |
% Daily Value* |
Total Fat 7.6g 12% |
Saturated Fat 2.7g 13% |
Trans Fat 0.1g |
Cholesterol 11mg 4% |
Sodium 685mg 29% |
Total Carbohydrates 44.2g 15% |
Dietary Fiber 4.1g 16% |
Sugars 2.9g |
Protein 15.2g |
Best. Sandwich. Ever.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Take That
Sometimes other people at the gym suck.
Seriously, what is people's deal today???
I kept smiling at people at the gym and they were giving me death stares and "I'm better than you" scoffs and "you are too fat to be here" shrug-offs! I am not even imagining them all, either. It was seriously a blatant thing.
There was this old lady that had a mighty stick up her yahoo that wouldn't stop scowling at me. I made eye contact & smiled. She totally narrowed her eyes and I swear her lip curled. Evil lady wearing makeup to the gym!
Then, since my nerves were on edge and I was all flustered, I was going to try and get my VO2 max--a number that helps me see how strong my lungs are becoming. I was trying to focus and get out of my head and some body-builder types dropped weights. Gah! Took what little breath I had left right out of me. I regained my momentum as fast as I could, but then HE DID IT AGAIN!!!
This is like, one of the cardinal rules of the gym! Do not drop the weights. It breaks the machines, the weights themselves, and scares the crap out of the other paying members!
The second time I swear it sounded like gunshots and I nearly ducked. I just had to stop the treadmill I had started crying so badly.
I was so incredibly angry for letting the other people get inside my head and ruining my workout.
I was even more embarrassed for letting myself cry in front of those people.
I don't think that people who have always been fit or skinny or been able to even buy clothes at a regular department store (up to size 12 for women) really even know what it is like for someone like me to even set foot inside a gym.
It takes every ounce of pride you can muster. You wear clothes that either feel like they show every inch of fat or else feel like a circus tent. You stand next to people going twice as fast as you on the treadmill without breaking a sweat or even into a run while you feel like you are about to be flung off the edge.
It doesn't matter if you have lost 10 lbs or 100, because at the gym, if you are still the overweight one, people still see you as the one that is out of breath & sweating like a pig. They don't think you are serious about exercise because of your extra weight. It doesn't matter that this weight was brought on after a long struggle with depression. A depression brought on because I saw my friends shot down right in front of me on my way to second block english. Then later was told I could have done something to prevent it. I should have seen it coming. I wasn't paying close enough attention. Therefore, I deserved what I got.
I deserved to have those images burned into my memory forever, to haunt my nightmares until I die. I am that terrible of a person.
I have tried to do as much as I can ever since. I fall incredibly short every single day of my life. I am observant. I try to help others in pain. I run and hide from fear of failure and I take on too much when inspired for the greatness & potential I see somewhere inside that got buried deep within the rubble of my crumbled fairytale dreamland.
The only thing these jerks see at the gym is my chubby tummy taking up space in their gym. Now, not all skinny people are jerks. Not what I am saying. I am saying the ones who aren't returning my smiles and who scoff at me when I try to work in on the machine they are "using" (sitting on while talking on their cell phone). These are the jerks.
I am not going to let them ruin tomorrow, though. I am going to get my cardio in and it is going to be great. I have an hour to work it and I need to make it count. They can throw their weights and act like monkeys, but at the end of the day, I will be the one losing weight at the end of the week and I will have accomplished what I went there to do.
Seriously, what is people's deal today???
I kept smiling at people at the gym and they were giving me death stares and "I'm better than you" scoffs and "you are too fat to be here" shrug-offs! I am not even imagining them all, either. It was seriously a blatant thing.
There was this old lady that had a mighty stick up her yahoo that wouldn't stop scowling at me. I made eye contact & smiled. She totally narrowed her eyes and I swear her lip curled. Evil lady wearing makeup to the gym!
Then, since my nerves were on edge and I was all flustered, I was going to try and get my VO2 max--a number that helps me see how strong my lungs are becoming. I was trying to focus and get out of my head and some body-builder types dropped weights. Gah! Took what little breath I had left right out of me. I regained my momentum as fast as I could, but then HE DID IT AGAIN!!!
This is like, one of the cardinal rules of the gym! Do not drop the weights. It breaks the machines, the weights themselves, and scares the crap out of the other paying members!
The second time I swear it sounded like gunshots and I nearly ducked. I just had to stop the treadmill I had started crying so badly.
I was so incredibly angry for letting the other people get inside my head and ruining my workout.
I was even more embarrassed for letting myself cry in front of those people.
I don't think that people who have always been fit or skinny or been able to even buy clothes at a regular department store (up to size 12 for women) really even know what it is like for someone like me to even set foot inside a gym.
It takes every ounce of pride you can muster. You wear clothes that either feel like they show every inch of fat or else feel like a circus tent. You stand next to people going twice as fast as you on the treadmill without breaking a sweat or even into a run while you feel like you are about to be flung off the edge.
It doesn't matter if you have lost 10 lbs or 100, because at the gym, if you are still the overweight one, people still see you as the one that is out of breath & sweating like a pig. They don't think you are serious about exercise because of your extra weight. It doesn't matter that this weight was brought on after a long struggle with depression. A depression brought on because I saw my friends shot down right in front of me on my way to second block english. Then later was told I could have done something to prevent it. I should have seen it coming. I wasn't paying close enough attention. Therefore, I deserved what I got.
I deserved to have those images burned into my memory forever, to haunt my nightmares until I die. I am that terrible of a person.
I have tried to do as much as I can ever since. I fall incredibly short every single day of my life. I am observant. I try to help others in pain. I run and hide from fear of failure and I take on too much when inspired for the greatness & potential I see somewhere inside that got buried deep within the rubble of my crumbled fairytale dreamland.
The only thing these jerks see at the gym is my chubby tummy taking up space in their gym. Now, not all skinny people are jerks. Not what I am saying. I am saying the ones who aren't returning my smiles and who scoff at me when I try to work in on the machine they are "using" (sitting on while talking on their cell phone). These are the jerks.
I am not going to let them ruin tomorrow, though. I am going to get my cardio in and it is going to be great. I have an hour to work it and I need to make it count. They can throw their weights and act like monkeys, but at the end of the day, I will be the one losing weight at the end of the week and I will have accomplished what I went there to do.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
The Massage Is In Sight!
My body needs to stop fighting and just start losing on a regular basis, already. I swear, this "every other week" thing is killing me.
I knew I was losing this week (despite the sickness and lack of motivation for the gym--tell me how fair that is?), so with going into the 250's this week, I was not too surprised. But seriously, after less than a pound last week after trying so hard???
My stomach is looking flabbier, though. I can tell. I can see that it is not as strong and my legs and arms are tired. So, I am going to buckle down and get back to what I am supposed to be doing in the gym and rock my workout this week. 3 days of straight-up circuit, then cardio, 3 days of straight cardio. I can do it!
What number did I pull, exactly? 257.2 for a weight loss of 5.8 lbs from last week.
This means I have 2 weeks to lose 7.2 lbs. I wasn't sure I was going to hit my goal for this SD trip, but I think I might actually do it! I so hope I can! My reward is a 100 minute massage and oh, boy, do Iwant need that massage!
I knew I was losing this week (despite the sickness and lack of motivation for the gym--tell me how fair that is?), so with going into the 250's this week, I was not too surprised. But seriously, after less than a pound last week after trying so hard???
My stomach is looking flabbier, though. I can tell. I can see that it is not as strong and my legs and arms are tired. So, I am going to buckle down and get back to what I am supposed to be doing in the gym and rock my workout this week. 3 days of straight-up circuit, then cardio, 3 days of straight cardio. I can do it!
What number did I pull, exactly? 257.2 for a weight loss of 5.8 lbs from last week.
This means I have 2 weeks to lose 7.2 lbs. I wasn't sure I was going to hit my goal for this SD trip, but I think I might actually do it! I so hope I can! My reward is a 100 minute massage and oh, boy, do I
Friday, June 7, 2013
Tacos
Growing up in Southern California gave me a unique view on food.
aka--Mexican food is like ambrosia.
Seriously.
I could eat the stuff at any time of day.
But, it is not the best food when it comes to taking care of your waistline.
Beans, rice, tortilla, grilled chicken & steak, fish, guacamole, tortilla chips, salsa, sour cream, enchilada sauce, tamales, and the love that never ends for the delicious cheese that covers it all.
For the past 5 days I have been waging an internal battle against the demon inside that keeps saying, "Tacos."
That's it. One word.
"Tacos."
Hmmm, what should I have for a snack? "Tacos."
I am getting hungry for dinner. What should I make? "TACOS."
*wakes up* Breakfast time. Let's make a smoothie. "TACOS!!!"
I am not sure how much more of this I can take! I should have just given in at the first few days, gotten a small taste of tacos, made in a healthy manner, and been done with it. Now, I fear, I will gorge myself on the greasiest, most delicious, unhealthy, fastest version available to me at the moment I happen to snap in the moment of weakness. I will sit there, with the taco wrappers littered around me while I cry out of joy for the happiness that my tongue enjoyed and the pure hell I will have to endure the next week at the gym just to counteract the shame of what I just did. For tacos.
Sweet, lovely, tacos.
"Tacos."
aka--Mexican food is like ambrosia.
Seriously.
I could eat the stuff at any time of day.
But, it is not the best food when it comes to taking care of your waistline.
Beans, rice, tortilla, grilled chicken & steak, fish, guacamole, tortilla chips, salsa, sour cream, enchilada sauce, tamales, and the love that never ends for the delicious cheese that covers it all.
For the past 5 days I have been waging an internal battle against the demon inside that keeps saying, "Tacos."
That's it. One word.
"Tacos."
Hmmm, what should I have for a snack? "Tacos."
I am getting hungry for dinner. What should I make? "TACOS."
*wakes up* Breakfast time. Let's make a smoothie. "TACOS!!!"
I am not sure how much more of this I can take! I should have just given in at the first few days, gotten a small taste of tacos, made in a healthy manner, and been done with it. Now, I fear, I will gorge myself on the greasiest, most delicious, unhealthy, fastest version available to me at the moment I happen to snap in the moment of weakness. I will sit there, with the taco wrappers littered around me while I cry out of joy for the happiness that my tongue enjoyed and the pure hell I will have to endure the next week at the gym just to counteract the shame of what I just did. For tacos.
Sweet, lovely, tacos.
"Tacos."
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
What To Do When You Get The Flu?
I may just meet my weight loss goal for this next week. . .but not from a great diet & exercise.
The Hubbs & I came down with a bad case of the flu for the past 24-48 hours and it got rid of a bunch of water weight. Sadly, that won't stay gone.
I didn't think I was that bad off, just a little bit queasy, so I tried going to the gym that first morning. 10 minutes into the workout, I found myself "meditating" instead of doing my circuit. Haha. Yeah. . .
Well, I tried. I seriously thought I would be ok and then it just didn't happen. By the time I got home I was so wasted I flopped onto the couch, my near 2-year-old ran to his toys, and my Hubbs slept soundly in the bedroom.
Sadly, as the mother, I got the joy of playing nursemaid and invalid and chef all day to my small family. Luckily nobody stopped by or else they would have been hit with a house littered with toys, piles of laundry (clean--I was just too tired to fold & put away), and a pile of dishes--from what, I am still not sure. Seriously--we couldn't eat anything and all I could bring myself to fix the lil' one was pureed fruit/veggie packs, crackers, cheese, apple slices, spoons of peanut butter, and pouring Naked Smoothies into a sippy cup. Very low on the dish-making scale.
Now that the sickness has passed, I am feeling like I have so much extra energy! It is like when you go through times of not having money when you find $20 in an old jacket you suddenly feel like a millionaire. :)
So, now I have all these grand plans of what to do for the day, including putting away the laundry, going to the gym and giving a good (but not pushing too hard just in case my body is not totally fixed) workout, planning out meals for the week, giving my son a much-needed haircut, doing the dishes, and airing out the stench of sickness from our small apartment.
I am so grateful for health! Despite the rotund nature of my belly, I am getting healthier every day and it feels great. I get discouraged, but I can be confident that I am doing everything I can to choose health.
The Hubbs & I came down with a bad case of the flu for the past 24-48 hours and it got rid of a bunch of water weight. Sadly, that won't stay gone.
I didn't think I was that bad off, just a little bit queasy, so I tried going to the gym that first morning. 10 minutes into the workout, I found myself "meditating" instead of doing my circuit. Haha. Yeah. . .
Well, I tried. I seriously thought I would be ok and then it just didn't happen. By the time I got home I was so wasted I flopped onto the couch, my near 2-year-old ran to his toys, and my Hubbs slept soundly in the bedroom.
Sadly, as the mother, I got the joy of playing nursemaid and invalid and chef all day to my small family. Luckily nobody stopped by or else they would have been hit with a house littered with toys, piles of laundry (clean--I was just too tired to fold & put away), and a pile of dishes--from what, I am still not sure. Seriously--we couldn't eat anything and all I could bring myself to fix the lil' one was pureed fruit/veggie packs, crackers, cheese, apple slices, spoons of peanut butter, and pouring Naked Smoothies into a sippy cup. Very low on the dish-making scale.
Now that the sickness has passed, I am feeling like I have so much extra energy! It is like when you go through times of not having money when you find $20 in an old jacket you suddenly feel like a millionaire. :)
So, now I have all these grand plans of what to do for the day, including putting away the laundry, going to the gym and giving a good (but not pushing too hard just in case my body is not totally fixed) workout, planning out meals for the week, giving my son a much-needed haircut, doing the dishes, and airing out the stench of sickness from our small apartment.
I am so grateful for health! Despite the rotund nature of my belly, I am getting healthier every day and it feels great. I get discouraged, but I can be confident that I am doing everything I can to choose health.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Down on Down
I worked hard this week. Like, I did the harder training session, ate stricter diet, and tried to move.
My stomach feels like the inches I lost magically jumped back on, my pants don't fit as well, and I am just all out not feeling it.
Weight loss is hard. It was depression that got me here in the first place. During the shooting in high school, I hid under a desk until the police came to clear our room. I think hiding under a desk or in a tight space ended up giving me some sort of comfort from then on. I tell my hubbs that I basically "ate everything in sight for three years and then hid under a desk" when I describe that period in my life where I gained the majority of my extra weight, and it is actually pretty accurate. Once I found out my dorm chair fit in the closet, I went there instead of under the desk, but that was basically it. I ate away the pain I felt and hid.
So, when I am doing everything I should according to the "experts" when it comes to losing weight, I feel like the fat should be melting off to reveal a barbie-like figure underneath (don't we all wish?).
The scale this morning said 263.0 lbs. That means over the course of a week, I lost .6 lbs. I seriously don't know where I went wrong. It isn't like I gained weight, so that is good, but I am starting to get discouraged from the back & forth weight loss. I am not switching things so wildly from one week to the next that I should be losing by so drastically different numbers each week. So what did I do last week that I didn't do this week?
I can see some people read this blog, and I am glad they do. I am glad there is someone out there who listens. I wish I knew what you wanted to hear about though. Why me?
Are you trying to lose weight, too? (It's difficult, I know).
Do you know me and you stumbled upon this blog and so you read it to see what I am thinking (I have only told Hubbs and 2 friends about this blog--so if this is it--please don't tell me--I think I would be too embarrassed)?
Are you a psychologist looking for some material? (If so, I have plenty more to tell ya).
Okay, well, have a wonderful Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday and it is back to the grind and back to the gym.
My stomach feels like the inches I lost magically jumped back on, my pants don't fit as well, and I am just all out not feeling it.
Weight loss is hard. It was depression that got me here in the first place. During the shooting in high school, I hid under a desk until the police came to clear our room. I think hiding under a desk or in a tight space ended up giving me some sort of comfort from then on. I tell my hubbs that I basically "ate everything in sight for three years and then hid under a desk" when I describe that period in my life where I gained the majority of my extra weight, and it is actually pretty accurate. Once I found out my dorm chair fit in the closet, I went there instead of under the desk, but that was basically it. I ate away the pain I felt and hid.
So, when I am doing everything I should according to the "experts" when it comes to losing weight, I feel like the fat should be melting off to reveal a barbie-like figure underneath (don't we all wish?).
The scale this morning said 263.0 lbs. That means over the course of a week, I lost .6 lbs. I seriously don't know where I went wrong. It isn't like I gained weight, so that is good, but I am starting to get discouraged from the back & forth weight loss. I am not switching things so wildly from one week to the next that I should be losing by so drastically different numbers each week. So what did I do last week that I didn't do this week?
I can see some people read this blog, and I am glad they do. I am glad there is someone out there who listens. I wish I knew what you wanted to hear about though. Why me?
Are you trying to lose weight, too? (It's difficult, I know).
Do you know me and you stumbled upon this blog and so you read it to see what I am thinking (I have only told Hubbs and 2 friends about this blog--so if this is it--please don't tell me--I think I would be too embarrassed)?
Are you a psychologist looking for some material? (If so, I have plenty more to tell ya).
Okay, well, have a wonderful Sunday. Tomorrow is Monday and it is back to the grind and back to the gym.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Salads
My husband used to be a very. . .selective. . .eater.
When it came time to choose something to eat, even for a special night, it would be pizza, chicken strips & fries, or the very occasional taco.
I was with him when he had his first cheeseburger, well into his twenties.
His list of vegetables he liked included french cut green beans, corn, and the occasional salad (he likes romaine &spinach mix, but would only ever eat it enough that he would typically just eat a salad at family dinners).
I am not saying this to be disparaging, only to explain my awe when I reflected on our lunch happenings today.
We got home from the store.
Me: I am so hungry!
Him: What do you want for lunch:
M: (thinking. . .) Salad?
H: Ok! That sounds good!
Haha. It took me a while after we got together to even convince him salad could be a meal. But, thanks to places like Zupas, and my hard work, of course, I have been able to show him just how right I am.
I still am blown away when he tells me he wants asparagus or jicama or that a salad sounds good. I love that I can be this influence for good in his life, even if it is a small thing.
I would even say that my husband is now a varied and sometimes semi-adventurous eater. He has his days where he wants to try something new, but it isn't too crazy. I think most of us fit into this category. More often than not I am. :)
BTW, salads do not have to be boring! If you have leftover fajita innards from the night before, make it a salad for lunch the next day. Or load it with veggies, a little bit of pasta (like tri-colored rotini), and top with a little flavored viniagrette. There are so many options and anything works, really. And you can put things like Chia seeds in there without even noticing them and get those added benefits. I am just saying.
Weigh-in tomorrow. I am pretty sure it is not going to be pretty, friends.
When it came time to choose something to eat, even for a special night, it would be pizza, chicken strips & fries, or the very occasional taco.
I was with him when he had his first cheeseburger, well into his twenties.
His list of vegetables he liked included french cut green beans, corn, and the occasional salad (he likes romaine &spinach mix, but would only ever eat it enough that he would typically just eat a salad at family dinners).
I am not saying this to be disparaging, only to explain my awe when I reflected on our lunch happenings today.
We got home from the store.
Me: I am so hungry!
Him: What do you want for lunch:
M: (thinking. . .) Salad?
H: Ok! That sounds good!
Haha. It took me a while after we got together to even convince him salad could be a meal. But, thanks to places like Zupas, and my hard work, of course, I have been able to show him just how right I am.
I still am blown away when he tells me he wants asparagus or jicama or that a salad sounds good. I love that I can be this influence for good in his life, even if it is a small thing.
I would even say that my husband is now a varied and sometimes semi-adventurous eater. He has his days where he wants to try something new, but it isn't too crazy. I think most of us fit into this category. More often than not I am. :)
BTW, salads do not have to be boring! If you have leftover fajita innards from the night before, make it a salad for lunch the next day. Or load it with veggies, a little bit of pasta (like tri-colored rotini), and top with a little flavored viniagrette. There are so many options and anything works, really. And you can put things like Chia seeds in there without even noticing them and get those added benefits. I am just saying.
Weigh-in tomorrow. I am pretty sure it is not going to be pretty, friends.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Fat Nutritionist
I came across this blog entitled "The Fat Nutritionist" today from a link I found on pinterest. Awesome. Amazing. Wonderful.
I love what she has to say and how she says it.
I love how she talks about the inner tyrant and the way to keep him satiated. I love the way she is relaxed and cares more about being healthy than about the number on the scale.
I think that sometimes I get so wrapped up on what number shows up Sunday morning that I forget about if I made good choices that week or not. I am going to focus on that this next week and see how that works out.
I had a great cardio day at the gym and I am really happy because I went further in 45 minutes than I did last time.
I have been debating signing up for a 5K in a few weeks. I had wanted to do one when I was in SD just barely, but I chickened out. Now I have been going to the gym more regularly, but I am still really nervous about getting all 264 lbs of me across the finish line. Plus, I would really love to do it in under an hour if I did do it, which would mean I would have to train outdoors to be able to push myself and then somehow speed up my time and build the stamina to go further. Right now I am only doing about 2.3 miles in 45 minutes, and a 5K is 3.1 miles. I would also have to either take my son on it with me (in the stroller), or tell my mom and have her come watch or watch him at home and go it alone. Bother. Part of me is a little embarrassed to want to do it as well. Is that weird? I wish I wasn't embarrassed by it, but I feel like nobody would ever expect me to finish a 5K, so to attempt it of my own choice is almost like asking for someone to tell me "I told you so" when I can't finish.
Wow, I got way off-topic!
Check out that woman's blog. Trust me, she has some great things to say. :)
I love what she has to say and how she says it.
I love how she talks about the inner tyrant and the way to keep him satiated. I love the way she is relaxed and cares more about being healthy than about the number on the scale.
I think that sometimes I get so wrapped up on what number shows up Sunday morning that I forget about if I made good choices that week or not. I am going to focus on that this next week and see how that works out.
I had a great cardio day at the gym and I am really happy because I went further in 45 minutes than I did last time.
I have been debating signing up for a 5K in a few weeks. I had wanted to do one when I was in SD just barely, but I chickened out. Now I have been going to the gym more regularly, but I am still really nervous about getting all 264 lbs of me across the finish line. Plus, I would really love to do it in under an hour if I did do it, which would mean I would have to train outdoors to be able to push myself and then somehow speed up my time and build the stamina to go further. Right now I am only doing about 2.3 miles in 45 minutes, and a 5K is 3.1 miles. I would also have to either take my son on it with me (in the stroller), or tell my mom and have her come watch or watch him at home and go it alone. Bother. Part of me is a little embarrassed to want to do it as well. Is that weird? I wish I wasn't embarrassed by it, but I feel like nobody would ever expect me to finish a 5K, so to attempt it of my own choice is almost like asking for someone to tell me "I told you so" when I can't finish.
Wow, I got way off-topic!
Check out that woman's blog. Trust me, she has some great things to say. :)
Personal Training Woes
Between vacations (his & ours), sickness, poor planning, etc., my hubbs and I have built up 6-8 sessions that we need to use with our personal trainer. We get 2 more each month. So, we need to start using them a lot more regularly.
The issue comes from our schedules being so different. So we have to schedule them only on Wednesday nights.
Anyways, so last night when we were at our session, Josh (the trainer) kicked our trash. We didn't plan enough ahead and had just barely eaten, so our stomachs were full. Then, it had been a long day between the hubbs having a long day at work and me having a stressful day with our almost-always-but-lately-all-he-wants-to-do-is-scream toddler. Either way, we were not in the best mindset to work hard.
Then, come to realize, I have been doing my circuit WRONG!!!
I can't believe it!!! I am so bothered. There have been so many days the past month or so where I have thought, "You just did that really fast. I bet you could do more." Or, "I feel like there should be more with the legs in here". Come to find out--my internal person was right all along!
I had been leaving out an entire set of full body squats and I had the order wrong on the last half of the circuit. Shame on me!
So now my workout is a bit harder. I should be happy about that, right? I guess I am. I will be once I get stronger.
One thing is for sure though, morning workouts are SO much better for me. I actually accomplish something during the day. I feel like I have more energy and make my time useful.
I had wanted to amp up my workouts, and I got my wish. Here's to a new challenge!
The issue comes from our schedules being so different. So we have to schedule them only on Wednesday nights.
Anyways, so last night when we were at our session, Josh (the trainer) kicked our trash. We didn't plan enough ahead and had just barely eaten, so our stomachs were full. Then, it had been a long day between the hubbs having a long day at work and me having a stressful day with our almost-always-but-lately-all-he-wants-to-do-is-scream toddler. Either way, we were not in the best mindset to work hard.
Then, come to realize, I have been doing my circuit WRONG!!!
I can't believe it!!! I am so bothered. There have been so many days the past month or so where I have thought, "You just did that really fast. I bet you could do more." Or, "I feel like there should be more with the legs in here". Come to find out--my internal person was right all along!
I had been leaving out an entire set of full body squats and I had the order wrong on the last half of the circuit. Shame on me!
So now my workout is a bit harder. I should be happy about that, right? I guess I am. I will be once I get stronger.
One thing is for sure though, morning workouts are SO much better for me. I actually accomplish something during the day. I feel like I have more energy and make my time useful.
I had wanted to amp up my workouts, and I got my wish. Here's to a new challenge!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Pudge Sludge
I know I have been losing weight and that is great.
But there is still this mental block. I look at myself and think, "Gross".
I feel as if my stomach is getting wider and my cheeks are getting puffier and my neck is inflating like a balloon with every morsel I put into my mouth.
I can't seem to see myself in the light of good that I am accomplishing. I can only see myself as the bad of where I have been.
I have been reading a lot of different things lately where people are basically justifying being overweight because of one thing or another. They take offense to words like "fat" or "chubby" or "obese". I think this is ridiculous, first off. I mean, honestly, you are more fat than muscle, water, bone, or organs, so yes. You can be classified as fat. Unless someone force-fed you exorbitant amounts of unhealthy foods over an extended period of time without letting you exercise, you are at fault for your weight.
*I know that sounds harsh, but please keep reading*
But, what I don't think is cool is for how others treat those who are overweight.
People seem to either pity, hate, ignore, or blame the overweight. Sometimes, it is a matter of being poorly educated or motivated or supported in the home while growing up, and those 18-year habits are so difficult to break that the person never sees a healthy weight.
Sometimes it is an underlying issue of depression, anxiety, or other emotional distress where the person's solution is to eat themselves into a numb stupor or gain a momentary high from the fatty sugary goodness of the cake/cookie/ice cream/enter sweet of choice here. Until they learn to deal with their emotions, their weight will forever be an issue. On top of that, they have people looking at them and judging them for being obese.
I was looking through old photos lately where I was told I was obese because of my BMI. I wonder what the difference would have been if I had been given praise for my healthy choices instead of pressure to become a size 4? I was an hourglass peg being shoved into a triangular hole.
Now that I have become the circle peg, my family tries their hardest to support me. But, I demand more from them than I did before. They are not allowed to focus on my current weight, but only on the direction it is heading and the positive choices and changes I am making for myself and my family.
Before you judge that kid in your class because they don't fit into the desk made for the size 10, or laugh at the woman whose clothes don't fit or the man buying an extra large meal to eat alone, think about what they may have gone through to get them there. Maybe they are grieving over a loved one or just caught their spouse cheating. Maybe they have nobody to help them through the hard times or maybe they have a genetic disorder that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight. Or, they just have never had anyone tell them they are wonderful, beautiful, special, or gifted enough to need to care for themselves enough to take care of their body so they can live to see the day when their mark on the world will be realized.
If you are overweight, do not let the world get in your way. You are beautiful! You are worth the time and effort it takes to love yourself. Eating good food and exercising is for your benefit, not for the world or society or even for your parents/family.
I do not always love the body I have right now. I created my situation, and I know that. I take responsibility for that fact. It makes me sad to think about it, but it is the truth and it can't be fought. I can realize that it is just my body, though. I can love the person I am underneath so much that I will fight to keep her alive. I will fight to let her live. I want to learn to surf. I want to ride roller coasters. I want to have more babies. I want to live to be 100 years old and see my great grandchildren be born. I want to climb mountains and canoe down rivers. That is what living is to me. I can't do all that if I don't take care of my body right now.
So, despite my mental block, which I am nicknaming "pudge sludge", I am going to keep trying. I am going to keep trekking it to the gym and working out and pushing a little bit harder on the treadmill and showing myself that I am the master of my body. Only I can make myself feel bad for the choices I made to get me to where I am today and the way to fix that is to feel good about the choices I make every day to move in the other direction.
But there is still this mental block. I look at myself and think, "Gross".
I feel as if my stomach is getting wider and my cheeks are getting puffier and my neck is inflating like a balloon with every morsel I put into my mouth.
I can't seem to see myself in the light of good that I am accomplishing. I can only see myself as the bad of where I have been.
I have been reading a lot of different things lately where people are basically justifying being overweight because of one thing or another. They take offense to words like "fat" or "chubby" or "obese". I think this is ridiculous, first off. I mean, honestly, you are more fat than muscle, water, bone, or organs, so yes. You can be classified as fat. Unless someone force-fed you exorbitant amounts of unhealthy foods over an extended period of time without letting you exercise, you are at fault for your weight.
*I know that sounds harsh, but please keep reading*
But, what I don't think is cool is for how others treat those who are overweight.
People seem to either pity, hate, ignore, or blame the overweight. Sometimes, it is a matter of being poorly educated or motivated or supported in the home while growing up, and those 18-year habits are so difficult to break that the person never sees a healthy weight.
Sometimes it is an underlying issue of depression, anxiety, or other emotional distress where the person's solution is to eat themselves into a numb stupor or gain a momentary high from the fatty sugary goodness of the cake/cookie/ice cream/enter sweet of choice here. Until they learn to deal with their emotions, their weight will forever be an issue. On top of that, they have people looking at them and judging them for being obese.
I was looking through old photos lately where I was told I was obese because of my BMI. I wonder what the difference would have been if I had been given praise for my healthy choices instead of pressure to become a size 4? I was an hourglass peg being shoved into a triangular hole.
Now that I have become the circle peg, my family tries their hardest to support me. But, I demand more from them than I did before. They are not allowed to focus on my current weight, but only on the direction it is heading and the positive choices and changes I am making for myself and my family.
Before you judge that kid in your class because they don't fit into the desk made for the size 10, or laugh at the woman whose clothes don't fit or the man buying an extra large meal to eat alone, think about what they may have gone through to get them there. Maybe they are grieving over a loved one or just caught their spouse cheating. Maybe they have nobody to help them through the hard times or maybe they have a genetic disorder that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight. Or, they just have never had anyone tell them they are wonderful, beautiful, special, or gifted enough to need to care for themselves enough to take care of their body so they can live to see the day when their mark on the world will be realized.
If you are overweight, do not let the world get in your way. You are beautiful! You are worth the time and effort it takes to love yourself. Eating good food and exercising is for your benefit, not for the world or society or even for your parents/family.
I do not always love the body I have right now. I created my situation, and I know that. I take responsibility for that fact. It makes me sad to think about it, but it is the truth and it can't be fought. I can realize that it is just my body, though. I can love the person I am underneath so much that I will fight to keep her alive. I will fight to let her live. I want to learn to surf. I want to ride roller coasters. I want to have more babies. I want to live to be 100 years old and see my great grandchildren be born. I want to climb mountains and canoe down rivers. That is what living is to me. I can't do all that if I don't take care of my body right now.
So, despite my mental block, which I am nicknaming "pudge sludge", I am going to keep trying. I am going to keep trekking it to the gym and working out and pushing a little bit harder on the treadmill and showing myself that I am the master of my body. Only I can make myself feel bad for the choices I made to get me to where I am today and the way to fix that is to feel good about the choices I make every day to move in the other direction.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Holy Weight Loss, Batman!
Those were my thoughts as I stared at the scale this morning. There is no way I lost 6.6 lbs this week!
But, just as sure as I am that the jiggle in the middle is mine, I am sure the scale was not lying. I triple checked.
I honestly don't know where that came from, but my mom may have given me a clue. She said that weight loss doesn't always happen that week you are trying so desperately for it--it could be a few weeks out.
Since I was working really hard right before my trip to SD, and even though I ate crap there I still walked all over and played and jumped, I sweat it out every day as well, so I maybe that is finally catching up with me? That would be great. I wasn't eating as well as I should have been right before SD, which is probably why my body was holding off on the weight loss.
But look at this!!! 6.6 lbs?! I feel like a freakin' rock star!
I am going back to SD in 4 weeks and I have a goal of weighing 250 lbs by then. That means I must average 3.4 lbs/week in order to do this. I really want to make this goal. I want to be able to look halfway decent in a bathing suit as I lie on the beach or play in the sand with my son. Ugh. Bathing suits. . .I probably will need a new one. Death.
I won't think about that until it is closer to SD.
For now, I will think about the crazy weight loss, Batman!
But, just as sure as I am that the jiggle in the middle is mine, I am sure the scale was not lying. I triple checked.
I honestly don't know where that came from, but my mom may have given me a clue. She said that weight loss doesn't always happen that week you are trying so desperately for it--it could be a few weeks out.
Since I was working really hard right before my trip to SD, and even though I ate crap there I still walked all over and played and jumped, I sweat it out every day as well, so I maybe that is finally catching up with me? That would be great. I wasn't eating as well as I should have been right before SD, which is probably why my body was holding off on the weight loss.
But look at this!!! 6.6 lbs?! I feel like a freakin' rock star!
I am going back to SD in 4 weeks and I have a goal of weighing 250 lbs by then. That means I must average 3.4 lbs/week in order to do this. I really want to make this goal. I want to be able to look halfway decent in a bathing suit as I lie on the beach or play in the sand with my son. Ugh. Bathing suits. . .I probably will need a new one. Death.
I won't think about that until it is closer to SD.
For now, I will think about the crazy weight loss, Batman!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Plateau
I have hit a plateau.
I went on vacation and although I gained .2 lb (SO much better than I thought it would be!), I feel pudgier than when I left.
I have bypassed the "round 2 fat pants" and gone straight to round 3. Yay!
But, I have not been eating well or getting my butt to the gym.
I think I have finally recuperated from the 10 day adventure in SD, so hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get my lazy bum off the couch, get to the gym, cook some actual good food for my body, and get some fresh air at the park or something.
Bother.
I just am not sure if I could handle gaining the weight back. There was a brief glimpse into the 260's and now I feel as if it is a far-off dream. A wish.
I will still work. I am still going to try and make my goal of 250 lbs by June 24, which is not that far away. It is only about 5 weeks! Eek.
I can do this, right?
I can do this?
I can do this.
Whew! Let's go!
I went on vacation and although I gained .2 lb (SO much better than I thought it would be!), I feel pudgier than when I left.
I have bypassed the "round 2 fat pants" and gone straight to round 3. Yay!
But, I have not been eating well or getting my butt to the gym.
I think I have finally recuperated from the 10 day adventure in SD, so hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get my lazy bum off the couch, get to the gym, cook some actual good food for my body, and get some fresh air at the park or something.
Bother.
I just am not sure if I could handle gaining the weight back. There was a brief glimpse into the 260's and now I feel as if it is a far-off dream. A wish.
I will still work. I am still going to try and make my goal of 250 lbs by June 24, which is not that far away. It is only about 5 weeks! Eek.
I can do this, right?
I can do this?
I can do this.
Whew! Let's go!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Pictures of Proof
I can barely tell a difference, but what do you think???
The first blue shorts & grey shirt is from December 5.
The Red bottoms & grey shirt is from April 12.
The blue bottoms (they look really dark in that picture) & grey Gold's shirt is from May 12.
My next goal is 250 lbs by June 23. I think once I get back home and get into a good routine again it will be a lot easier, but I feel as if I am at a plateau, emotionally and physically. I want to lose the weight and look great and feel healthy, but who knows what will be. I went down one pant size and opted for the strawberries & whipped cream and only one chocolate dipped strawberry over the piles of cake and pie and See's candy and cookies that were in full swing on Mother's Day.
Alright, here are the pictures!
The first blue shorts & grey shirt is from December 5.
The Red bottoms & grey shirt is from April 12.
The blue bottoms (they look really dark in that picture) & grey Gold's shirt is from May 12.
My next goal is 250 lbs by June 23. I think once I get back home and get into a good routine again it will be a lot easier, but I feel as if I am at a plateau, emotionally and physically. I want to lose the weight and look great and feel healthy, but who knows what will be. I went down one pant size and opted for the strawberries & whipped cream and only one chocolate dipped strawberry over the piles of cake and pie and See's candy and cookies that were in full swing on Mother's Day.
Alright, here are the pictures!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Relaxation Time?
The morning came of the first goal.
I have been working so hard and have felt so dragged down lately.
The past two weeks have been really tough. Despite the great workouts and the good progress, I have still had a hard time eating well and making it to the gym and drinking enough water and doing everything I should to take care of myself.
I was really worried I wasn't going to make it to my goal because of the low weight loss last week and my mid-week check up did not do much to boost my confidence.
But, when I got on the scale before jumping in the car this morning, I had met my goal by the skin of my teeth!
270.0 lbs!!!
I still don't feel 100% satisfied, is that odd? I feel like I have accomplished something great, but it doesn't seem good enough for some reason. I should probably look into that.
Either way, I am getting a much deserved pedicure and enjoy my vacation while getting in some fun San Diego style exercise.
I have been working so hard and have felt so dragged down lately.
The past two weeks have been really tough. Despite the great workouts and the good progress, I have still had a hard time eating well and making it to the gym and drinking enough water and doing everything I should to take care of myself.
I was really worried I wasn't going to make it to my goal because of the low weight loss last week and my mid-week check up did not do much to boost my confidence.
But, when I got on the scale before jumping in the car this morning, I had met my goal by the skin of my teeth!
270.0 lbs!!!
I still don't feel 100% satisfied, is that odd? I feel like I have accomplished something great, but it doesn't seem good enough for some reason. I should probably look into that.
Either way, I am getting a much deserved pedicure and enjoy my vacation while getting in some fun San Diego style exercise.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
The Truth in the Tape
At last night's training session, hubbs and I were measured.
I knew it was going to be good when Josh made me get back on the scale because he didn't believe how much weight I had lost! Hahaha. The look on his face was awesome.
Since the last time we measured a month ago,
I lost 20 lbs
5 inches on my waist (WHOA!)
1 inch on my hips (he said this is typical for women--I think it sorta stinks)
1 inch on each thigh (it may be more, but I was wearing my sweats this time so it was hard to really tell)
I had told him I was working hard, but I don't think he was expecting that great of a drop in numbers. When He double checked my weight, he said he has never seen someone lose that much weight in a month.
I know it won't be like that every month, but I can still work hard and try to lose weight and inches and get as fit as possible.
We leave on vacation tomorrow. I will weigh myself in the morning and hopefully the result will be good enough to get me that longed-for pedicure!
I knew it was going to be good when Josh made me get back on the scale because he didn't believe how much weight I had lost! Hahaha. The look on his face was awesome.
Since the last time we measured a month ago,
I lost 20 lbs
5 inches on my waist (WHOA!)
1 inch on my hips (he said this is typical for women--I think it sorta stinks)
1 inch on each thigh (it may be more, but I was wearing my sweats this time so it was hard to really tell)
I had told him I was working hard, but I don't think he was expecting that great of a drop in numbers. When He double checked my weight, he said he has never seen someone lose that much weight in a month.
I know it won't be like that every month, but I can still work hard and try to lose weight and inches and get as fit as possible.
We leave on vacation tomorrow. I will weigh myself in the morning and hopefully the result will be good enough to get me that longed-for pedicure!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Obesity Epidemic and the Weigh-In
My hubbs was reading an article recently about how 20 years ago or something a study came out saying that 1 in 10 people would be considered obese. Everyone scoffed, thinking they were ridiculous.
Now, a similar study has shown that in 10 years, 1 in 10 people would NOT be obese. And yet, we still haven't learned from our past arrogance! We are still turning a blind eye to the study and laughing at it. I, for one, am going to take it seriously. Yikes. I do not want to be considered one of those 9 ten years down the road. I am the one out of the ten right now, but that will change!
Food for thought: Does Pinterest have anything to do with the rising rate of obesity in our world? I mean, you can't go half a page without something covered in bacon, chocolate, pounds of cheese, or all three. Seriously! I think I gain weight just by 5 minutes of mindless scrolling.
I am still working on the weight loss, and even though this past week wasn't as great as the weeks before, it is still going in the right direction. I lost 2.6 lbs, so I am now at 271.0 lbs.
I have 1.0 lbs to lose before Friday morning before we leave for our vacation, and I am so nervous I won't make my goal! As soon as I do, I will post a new picture though to chart my progress in picture form.
We have a meeting with our personal trainer tonight and hopefully all goes well. Work hard and stay positive!
Now, a similar study has shown that in 10 years, 1 in 10 people would NOT be obese. And yet, we still haven't learned from our past arrogance! We are still turning a blind eye to the study and laughing at it. I, for one, am going to take it seriously. Yikes. I do not want to be considered one of those 9 ten years down the road. I am the one out of the ten right now, but that will change!
Food for thought: Does Pinterest have anything to do with the rising rate of obesity in our world? I mean, you can't go half a page without something covered in bacon, chocolate, pounds of cheese, or all three. Seriously! I think I gain weight just by 5 minutes of mindless scrolling.
I am still working on the weight loss, and even though this past week wasn't as great as the weeks before, it is still going in the right direction. I lost 2.6 lbs, so I am now at 271.0 lbs.
I have 1.0 lbs to lose before Friday morning before we leave for our vacation, and I am so nervous I won't make my goal! As soon as I do, I will post a new picture though to chart my progress in picture form.
We have a meeting with our personal trainer tonight and hopefully all goes well. Work hard and stay positive!
Friday, May 3, 2013
Ladies at the Gym
At the gym I attend, there are ladies of all shapes and sizes. There are ones who are petite and fit, ones who are almost there, the balloons like me, and ones in-between.
We come in all different shapes & sizes, but also different ages.
Two ladies in particular come in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and work out together. They look to be about in their 60's and they have their routine. They encourage each other and have smiles on their faces. They laugh through the planks and the squats and they push each other to go until that last moment on the treadmill. They are fascinating to watch!
This past week, we have ended up "fighting"/sharing the same exercise ball in the small fitness room at the gym. We always end up working out at the same time, and they always end up stealing my ball somehow. It is quite comical at this point.
I am inspired at how consistent and dedicated they are to sticking with their fitness goals and they have told me how great they think it is that I am coming and taking care of myself and doing it while I am still young (when you are in your sixties, I guess late twenties is still pretty young).
With disappointing workouts this week, I really wanted to have a great workout today. So, when I hit 30 minutes on the treadmill, even though it wasn't at the speed I had wanted to be going, I thought, "That wasn't too bad. I added weight to my circuit, so 30 minutes at a slower pace is ok." But, I saw the two women leaving and one of them called out to me. She encouraged me to keep going and "get [my] great workout!" That was the boost I needed!
15 more minutes with a quicker pace and I had completed my best workout of the week.
Add that to a busier day of keeping my house organized and playing with friends, and I am looking at a great day. Hopefully it helps bring me down to my goal weight by Sunday, but if not, all I know is that I feel great right now.
Here's to a great workout!
We come in all different shapes & sizes, but also different ages.
Two ladies in particular come in every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and work out together. They look to be about in their 60's and they have their routine. They encourage each other and have smiles on their faces. They laugh through the planks and the squats and they push each other to go until that last moment on the treadmill. They are fascinating to watch!
This past week, we have ended up "fighting"/sharing the same exercise ball in the small fitness room at the gym. We always end up working out at the same time, and they always end up stealing my ball somehow. It is quite comical at this point.
I am inspired at how consistent and dedicated they are to sticking with their fitness goals and they have told me how great they think it is that I am coming and taking care of myself and doing it while I am still young (when you are in your sixties, I guess late twenties is still pretty young).
With disappointing workouts this week, I really wanted to have a great workout today. So, when I hit 30 minutes on the treadmill, even though it wasn't at the speed I had wanted to be going, I thought, "That wasn't too bad. I added weight to my circuit, so 30 minutes at a slower pace is ok." But, I saw the two women leaving and one of them called out to me. She encouraged me to keep going and "get [my] great workout!" That was the boost I needed!
15 more minutes with a quicker pace and I had completed my best workout of the week.
Add that to a busier day of keeping my house organized and playing with friends, and I am looking at a great day. Hopefully it helps bring me down to my goal weight by Sunday, but if not, all I know is that I feel great right now.
Here's to a great workout!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
It's Been A While, But I'm Still Here!
I feel like I haven't written in a while, and there's a reason for that. My best friend and her son are in town! They are here and it makes my days a little more busy and a lot more wonderful.
I have had some great success with weight loss this past week, with a whopping 6.2 lbs. Can you say WHOA? :D Yeah, I freaked when I saw the scale. Which this puts me at only 3.6 lbs until I have reached my first goal of 270 lbs. That makes 19 lbs in a few days over a month. That is ridiculous!
I know it is going to be slowing down and I am prepared for that, but this is a great start, right?
I saw my first friend that hasn't seen me in a while on a day trip yesterday and her reaction was great. Part of me is so happy to see that proud look in this friend's eyes, but I also worry. What if I can't keep this up? What if I can't encourage myself to keep going and make myself work hard and exercise and what if I fail???
I have so many doubts and so many thoughts that I know are keeping me from success. I know that seeing those numbers on the scale drop every week is such a joy but it also brings something up in me to sabotage. I love fitting into my "not the fattest" pants (face it, skinny pants are for skinny people). But, part of me still wonders if I can fit into the "not the second fattest" pants.
I guess this is the long way of me saying I had a burrito or two for dinner tonight instead of soup. :( So, I had a bad day. And I had a road trip yesterday and ate out a bit, so it wasn't the best day either.
BUT,
I have renewed faith in the system. 6 lbs in one week, 5 lbs in another, 4 lbs in the first week--my system must work for something, right?!
So back to the system I go!
I have had some great success with weight loss this past week, with a whopping 6.2 lbs. Can you say WHOA? :D Yeah, I freaked when I saw the scale. Which this puts me at only 3.6 lbs until I have reached my first goal of 270 lbs. That makes 19 lbs in a few days over a month. That is ridiculous!
I know it is going to be slowing down and I am prepared for that, but this is a great start, right?
I saw my first friend that hasn't seen me in a while on a day trip yesterday and her reaction was great. Part of me is so happy to see that proud look in this friend's eyes, but I also worry. What if I can't keep this up? What if I can't encourage myself to keep going and make myself work hard and exercise and what if I fail???
I have so many doubts and so many thoughts that I know are keeping me from success. I know that seeing those numbers on the scale drop every week is such a joy but it also brings something up in me to sabotage. I love fitting into my "not the fattest" pants (face it, skinny pants are for skinny people). But, part of me still wonders if I can fit into the "not the second fattest" pants.
I guess this is the long way of me saying I had a burrito or two for dinner tonight instead of soup. :( So, I had a bad day. And I had a road trip yesterday and ate out a bit, so it wasn't the best day either.
BUT,
I have renewed faith in the system. 6 lbs in one week, 5 lbs in another, 4 lbs in the first week--my system must work for something, right?!
So back to the system I go!
Monday, April 22, 2013
At the Risk of Sounding Emo,
I sometimes feel as if I am a complete disappointment to my family.
I am the fat one.
I am the one who can't seem to get a college degree, despite 10 years of college classes.
I am the one who still has issues being in crowded places.
It is even to the point where they don't even know what to say anymore. If I am happy about something (like being able to breathe because of an inhaler), they say "ok" and move on. If I say "I lost 5 lbs this week!" They wager an internal war against being excited and reprimanding me for not losing only 2 lbs (which, by the way, I am able to lose more because I am so obese and I am working with a doctor's supervision). I feel like I am making this up sometimes, but I confide in my husband and he admits he knows what I am talking about because he has seen it, too. I constantly have to justify my diet, exercise, vacations, work, or any other life decision when I share anything because they just don't get that my reasons are mine and not up for discussion.
I want to blame them for not helping me out when I was younger. I want to scream that they thought they could buy me $5 bras for my cantaloupe-sized chest and then expect me to run around the block. Or they could ignore my insistence that I couldn't breathe when I ran. Or that when I pushed myself so hard to lose weight as a teen and even my dad joined in the throng in telling me I was still "unhealthy" (even though he was eating cookies every night while sitting on the couch watching tv while I was at the gym) it broke my heart because instead of offering me solutions, they only offered negative criticism. Even worse--they all saw that I was struggling with PTSD from the shooting and none of them took me to see anyone or even told me what was happening! I thought it was normal. They just thought I would get through it somehow. Or maybe they saw that I was losing weight and thought they would fix my head once my body looked how they thought it should be.
If you are reading this, whoever you are, know this:
No matter your size, it does not change the kindness in your heart, the happiness you can share, or the change you can make.
I wish I could convince myself of this on days where I get down. I wish I could convince my parents and my sisters and all those who have ever judged me for being fat/chubby/obese/overweight/jabba-like, including myself, that I am still strong.
So, I am incredibly emo today, and I apologize. I just know there are others out there like me who are struggling and I want to help you know you aren't alone. You can make it through the rough days and have happy ones ahead. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Losing weight is for yourself--your health mentally and physically--and you can do it! Lean on me.
I can use a friend, too.
I am the fat one.
I am the one who can't seem to get a college degree, despite 10 years of college classes.
I am the one who still has issues being in crowded places.
It is even to the point where they don't even know what to say anymore. If I am happy about something (like being able to breathe because of an inhaler), they say "ok" and move on. If I say "I lost 5 lbs this week!" They wager an internal war against being excited and reprimanding me for not losing only 2 lbs (which, by the way, I am able to lose more because I am so obese and I am working with a doctor's supervision). I feel like I am making this up sometimes, but I confide in my husband and he admits he knows what I am talking about because he has seen it, too. I constantly have to justify my diet, exercise, vacations, work, or any other life decision when I share anything because they just don't get that my reasons are mine and not up for discussion.
I want to blame them for not helping me out when I was younger. I want to scream that they thought they could buy me $5 bras for my cantaloupe-sized chest and then expect me to run around the block. Or they could ignore my insistence that I couldn't breathe when I ran. Or that when I pushed myself so hard to lose weight as a teen and even my dad joined in the throng in telling me I was still "unhealthy" (even though he was eating cookies every night while sitting on the couch watching tv while I was at the gym) it broke my heart because instead of offering me solutions, they only offered negative criticism. Even worse--they all saw that I was struggling with PTSD from the shooting and none of them took me to see anyone or even told me what was happening! I thought it was normal. They just thought I would get through it somehow. Or maybe they saw that I was losing weight and thought they would fix my head once my body looked how they thought it should be.
If you are reading this, whoever you are, know this:
No matter your size, it does not change the kindness in your heart, the happiness you can share, or the change you can make.
I wish I could convince myself of this on days where I get down. I wish I could convince my parents and my sisters and all those who have ever judged me for being fat/chubby/obese/overweight/jabba-like, including myself, that I am still strong.
So, I am incredibly emo today, and I apologize. I just know there are others out there like me who are struggling and I want to help you know you aren't alone. You can make it through the rough days and have happy ones ahead. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Losing weight is for yourself--your health mentally and physically--and you can do it! Lean on me.
I can use a friend, too.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Another Good Week
I must say, I am very proud of myself. I started my week off, well, 'not so hot'. But, in the end, I rocked it out hard.
I am proud that I didn't give up. I am proud that I didn't listen to the negative self-talk that tells me I will fail and that I can't do this and it is too much and it is going to take way too long. I just pushed through and did the work and hoped for the best.
So, yesterday, when I was hurt by a close friend who ignored me when I came to visit, I did NOT use food as a crutch. I thought about it, but I didn't. When my mom told me she had flown into the same state, only a few hours away from me and failed to mention this event the two times we had talked earlier in the week and it stung, I did NOT use food as a way to escape. Actually, I talked (whoa!), or rather wrote, to a friend on the other side of the country who was willing to listen.
Small behavior changes add up to big ones in the end. When you want that burger, fries, taco, or ice cream, tell yourself, "I don't need it because I want to take care of my body."
After all this hard work, how did it pay off???
279.8 lbs!!
This week's weight loss is 4.2 lbs, with a total weight loss so far of 20.2 lbs! I have less than 10 lbs to my goal of 270 by the time I go visit my family in May. I can do this! Then, there will be another goal, and another one, and another one. . .until the weight is down and my body is healthy. :D
As promised, here are some pictures! This is me on Dec. 5, 2012, when I weighed in at 300 lbs. When I hit 270 I will post a new pic, weight-loss style.
I am proud that I didn't give up. I am proud that I didn't listen to the negative self-talk that tells me I will fail and that I can't do this and it is too much and it is going to take way too long. I just pushed through and did the work and hoped for the best.
So, yesterday, when I was hurt by a close friend who ignored me when I came to visit, I did NOT use food as a crutch. I thought about it, but I didn't. When my mom told me she had flown into the same state, only a few hours away from me and failed to mention this event the two times we had talked earlier in the week and it stung, I did NOT use food as a way to escape. Actually, I talked (whoa!), or rather wrote, to a friend on the other side of the country who was willing to listen.
Small behavior changes add up to big ones in the end. When you want that burger, fries, taco, or ice cream, tell yourself, "I don't need it because I want to take care of my body."
After all this hard work, how did it pay off???
279.8 lbs!!
This week's weight loss is 4.2 lbs, with a total weight loss so far of 20.2 lbs! I have less than 10 lbs to my goal of 270 by the time I go visit my family in May. I can do this! Then, there will be another goal, and another one, and another one. . .until the weight is down and my body is healthy. :D
Friday, April 19, 2013
Breathing is a Beautiful Thing
I mentioned I got an inhaler from my doc and how it was a great thing, right?
Well yesterday, I took the inhaler a little earlier than that first day to see if it would help me even more.
HOLY COW!
I was just doing cardio, so it was going to be easy to tell. Within 5 minutes of doing a walk at my warm-up pace, I felt great! My lungs were open, I could breathe like a normal person, and I knew that the only thing holding me back would be if my legs or arms just couldn't take it.
So I pushed myself a little further . . . and then a little more. . .
Until finally I finished my cardio, not because I was too tired or my lungs began to hurt (they were definitely working, just not constricting like a boa). I finished because I started thinking about how grateful I am for a doctor who listened to me. I am grateful for my lungs being able to work properly. I feel as if everything is opening up for me and I can literally and figuratively breathe. I can work out without feeling like a loser 5 minutes in to a routine. I feel as if I have been given the golden ticket to losing weight!
I am ready to RUN!!!
Basically, breathing is a beautiful thing. :D
Well yesterday, I took the inhaler a little earlier than that first day to see if it would help me even more.
HOLY COW!
I was just doing cardio, so it was going to be easy to tell. Within 5 minutes of doing a walk at my warm-up pace, I felt great! My lungs were open, I could breathe like a normal person, and I knew that the only thing holding me back would be if my legs or arms just couldn't take it.
So I pushed myself a little further . . . and then a little more. . .
Until finally I finished my cardio, not because I was too tired or my lungs began to hurt (they were definitely working, just not constricting like a boa). I finished because I started thinking about how grateful I am for a doctor who listened to me. I am grateful for my lungs being able to work properly. I feel as if everything is opening up for me and I can literally and figuratively breathe. I can work out without feeling like a loser 5 minutes in to a routine. I feel as if I have been given the golden ticket to losing weight!
I am ready to RUN!!!
Basically, breathing is a beautiful thing. :D
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Get moving
I went to the doctor yesterday. I had some concerns and it was my first doctor's visit in about 19 months (last one being a post-pregnancy check-up).
The doctor was great. I have never had a doctor actually listen to me and believe me, give me options and suggestions that would be financially and health smart. He saw my hubbs, too, and removed some suspicious moles from his back. Poor hubby. I am really hoping the pathology report comes back clean.
I got a prescription for an inhaler and I am so excited about it. My day at the gym yesterday went well and I could breathe hours later. Hopefully this means I can push myself and build up my cardio strength.
Take care of yourself and keep eating right and moving! It can help you in ways that aren't just the way your body looks. It will help your mind and give you peace.
So, get moving!
The doctor was great. I have never had a doctor actually listen to me and believe me, give me options and suggestions that would be financially and health smart. He saw my hubbs, too, and removed some suspicious moles from his back. Poor hubby. I am really hoping the pathology report comes back clean.
I got a prescription for an inhaler and I am so excited about it. My day at the gym yesterday went well and I could breathe hours later. Hopefully this means I can push myself and build up my cardio strength.
Take care of yourself and keep eating right and moving! It can help you in ways that aren't just the way your body looks. It will help your mind and give you peace.
So, get moving!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Tomorrow Is a New Day to Conquer!
I have been nervous to write on the blog the past few days.
Although I had tremendous success this past week, I have also killed my success with a very powerful bout of binge eating. So much so that I actually considered (but did not follow through) with purging. I know that is a huge struggle for a lot of people, men and women alike, and I also know that if I were to start and get the results I want, I may just have a very difficult time stopping.
So, I choked it down and instead wallowed in self-pity and loathing. Such a better choice, right? . . . .
Yeah, anyways.
So, I have halfheartedly recommitted myself to weight loss. That is, until I stepped on the scale tonight and noticed all my hard work is going down the drain!
There is no way I am going to give up and give in to the chocolate, sugar, and oh-so-delicious Mexican food. Plus, I have been feeling sick after eating all this lousy food, and that is just wrong! I must choose good food so I can feel good.
I spoke with one of my closest, dearest friends today. She and I have been friends since we were lil' babes. She knows me like most people never will. She encouraged me and lifted me up. By the time I was done talking with her, I wanted to go running till I hit onederland. But, alas, my son is in bed with my hubbs at work. Plus, it snowed today (bane of my existence) and there is no way I am going out in that. What's a mother to do? I cleaned.
Dishes, wiping down counters, cleaning the oven, vaccumming and laundry. Yes, an hours' worth of cleaning and I am ready to go.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will conquer it!
PS-If you are wondering where all the pictures are of my life and all that--they are coming. I need to find a cable that my son "discovered" and hid from me before I can get my pictures off my camera. :)
Although I had tremendous success this past week, I have also killed my success with a very powerful bout of binge eating. So much so that I actually considered (but did not follow through) with purging. I know that is a huge struggle for a lot of people, men and women alike, and I also know that if I were to start and get the results I want, I may just have a very difficult time stopping.
So, I choked it down and instead wallowed in self-pity and loathing. Such a better choice, right? . . . .
Yeah, anyways.
So, I have halfheartedly recommitted myself to weight loss. That is, until I stepped on the scale tonight and noticed all my hard work is going down the drain!
There is no way I am going to give up and give in to the chocolate, sugar, and oh-so-delicious Mexican food. Plus, I have been feeling sick after eating all this lousy food, and that is just wrong! I must choose good food so I can feel good.
I spoke with one of my closest, dearest friends today. She and I have been friends since we were lil' babes. She knows me like most people never will. She encouraged me and lifted me up. By the time I was done talking with her, I wanted to go running till I hit onederland. But, alas, my son is in bed with my hubbs at work. Plus, it snowed today (bane of my existence) and there is no way I am going out in that. What's a mother to do? I cleaned.
Dishes, wiping down counters, cleaning the oven, vaccumming and laundry. Yes, an hours' worth of cleaning and I am ready to go.
Tomorrow is a new day and I will conquer it!
PS-If you are wondering where all the pictures are of my life and all that--they are coming. I need to find a cable that my son "discovered" and hid from me before I can get my pictures off my camera. :)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
The Weigh-In
Alright, so today was my dreaded weigh-in. I am always so nervous after a week of strict eating and working out that the scale will show no improvement and therefore mock me into a depressed stupor.
I didn't do so hot on my eating plan yesterday and the day before (late day binge on Friday and then my hubbs and I went out to eat for dinner yesterday--to a mexican restaurant that just made me want to try one of everything on their menu). But, I have worked out at least three times this week and eaten extremely well on 5 out of 7 days.
You are all dying to hear how the meeting with my scale went, huh???
284.0!!!!
That isn't that great, you say? Well, let's remember that last Sunday, I weighed in at 289.2.
Thus, I lost 5.2 lbs!!!
Yes, yes, I am amazing.
Now, I know this can't happen every week. But, every time I stick to my eating plan, I lose no less than 3 lbs. I am psyched about this weight loss!
I have figured that if I can lose 3 lbs per week until the end of summer and 2 lbs per week after that, I will be 200 lbs by December. It is a long way off, but I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have set some smaller goals and I am more than halfway to my first one of 270 lbs by May 12. :D
Work hard and don't get discouraged! Tomorrow is a new day and you can always start again.
Woo-hoo for Weight Loss!!!
I didn't do so hot on my eating plan yesterday and the day before (late day binge on Friday and then my hubbs and I went out to eat for dinner yesterday--to a mexican restaurant that just made me want to try one of everything on their menu). But, I have worked out at least three times this week and eaten extremely well on 5 out of 7 days.
You are all dying to hear how the meeting with my scale went, huh???
284.0!!!!
That isn't that great, you say? Well, let's remember that last Sunday, I weighed in at 289.2.
Thus, I lost 5.2 lbs!!!
Yes, yes, I am amazing.
Now, I know this can't happen every week. But, every time I stick to my eating plan, I lose no less than 3 lbs. I am psyched about this weight loss!
I have figured that if I can lose 3 lbs per week until the end of summer and 2 lbs per week after that, I will be 200 lbs by December. It is a long way off, but I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel.
I have set some smaller goals and I am more than halfway to my first one of 270 lbs by May 12. :D
Work hard and don't get discouraged! Tomorrow is a new day and you can always start again.
Woo-hoo for Weight Loss!!!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Chocolate Milk is my Gateway Food
Do you have a gateway food? The one that you occasionally eat that isn't so bad, but then makes you feel as if you could eat another thing that is a little worse but still not french fries so it must be ok?
Well, chocolate milk is the one for me.
Today, after my workout, I went to the store to get more spinach for salads and smoothies. Yay!
I saw the chocolate milk and thought about how my trainer said that would be a great after-exercise thing to drink to tide you over until you get some good food in your system. Awesome!
I chose fat free so I wouldn't have that gnawing at me.
Uh, but then after lunch I was hungry and a veggie burger just sounded so good, so I had one of those for dinner with some grilled asparagus. Not too bad.
But then, my chocolate monster was unleashed. The leftover smores materials were calling my name!
Chocolate and toasted marshmallows? Brilliant!
What about the +Skinny Cow Caramel Filled Chocolates sent to me for my bday by my bestie? Eaten! (SUPER delicious, btw)
And since I felt as if my day was totally shot, why not eat handful upon handful of goldfish crackers? Sounds like a great idea to me!
So, needless to say--Chocolate milk is my gatewaydrug food.
All that and I was still under 2,000 calories for the day! Plus, with my workout, it made for a decent deficit.
One more day down. I am disappointed I didn't last all week sticking strictly to my eating plan, though. I can just try again tomorrow!
Well, chocolate milk is the one for me.
Today, after my workout, I went to the store to get more spinach for salads and smoothies. Yay!
I saw the chocolate milk and thought about how my trainer said that would be a great after-exercise thing to drink to tide you over until you get some good food in your system. Awesome!
I chose fat free so I wouldn't have that gnawing at me.
Uh, but then after lunch I was hungry and a veggie burger just sounded so good, so I had one of those for dinner with some grilled asparagus. Not too bad.
But then, my chocolate monster was unleashed. The leftover smores materials were calling my name!
Chocolate and toasted marshmallows? Brilliant!
What about the +Skinny Cow Caramel Filled Chocolates sent to me for my bday by my bestie? Eaten! (SUPER delicious, btw)
And since I felt as if my day was totally shot, why not eat handful upon handful of goldfish crackers? Sounds like a great idea to me!
So, needless to say--Chocolate milk is my gateway
All that and I was still under 2,000 calories for the day! Plus, with my workout, it made for a decent deficit.
One more day down. I am disappointed I didn't last all week sticking strictly to my eating plan, though. I can just try again tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Straight A Student
So, I got another A for my food log! I love getting these A's.
Plus, I had some birthday money burning a hole in my pocket. I went and bought myself some great new shoes! I over-pronate (step on the outside of my foot), so my +Walmart special tennis shoes just weren't cutting it. Now I have these that are designed to support my feet and I love it!
I can't wait to make it to the gym today so I can break them in. :D
Monday, April 8, 2013
Cheaters Never Prosper!
Feeling great! I have been strict on my eating plan yesterday and today, and I have gotten A's both days!
That may sound a little weird, but it is a nutrition grade that +Calorie Count comes up with. That's what I use to count calories. I love this website. It not only keeps track of your food intake and exercise, but it lets you know how you are doing on things like sodium, calcium, and potassium. When you put in your weight, it will tell you what weight you should be at for your personal trend. You can set goals and choose different diet types such as low-carb, pregnant, vegetarian, etc. I really love the program. Plus, there are forums you can join for everything from over-eaters to exercise encouragement and how to make recipes healthier. So great.
Plus, they have a recipe analyzer that tells you the nutrition facts for your meal. SO great!
Anyways, it gives you a grade and my eating the past two days has been a big, fat, A!
I have wanted to cheat and have a piece of chocolate or some ice cream or even just some crackers, but I knew I was accountable to you, my readers (whomever you are), so I stuck to my plan.
Thanks for reading and keeping me honest. :)
My meals for today:
3 c green smoothie
2 hard boiled egg whites
10 cherry tomatoes
4 c tortilla soup
2 T lightly salted tortilla strips
That may sound a little weird, but it is a nutrition grade that +Calorie Count comes up with. That's what I use to count calories. I love this website. It not only keeps track of your food intake and exercise, but it lets you know how you are doing on things like sodium, calcium, and potassium. When you put in your weight, it will tell you what weight you should be at for your personal trend. You can set goals and choose different diet types such as low-carb, pregnant, vegetarian, etc. I really love the program. Plus, there are forums you can join for everything from over-eaters to exercise encouragement and how to make recipes healthier. So great.
Plus, they have a recipe analyzer that tells you the nutrition facts for your meal. SO great!
Anyways, it gives you a grade and my eating the past two days has been a big, fat, A!
I have wanted to cheat and have a piece of chocolate or some ice cream or even just some crackers, but I knew I was accountable to you, my readers (whomever you are), so I stuck to my plan.
Thanks for reading and keeping me honest. :)
My meals for today:
3 c green smoothie
2 hard boiled egg whites
10 cherry tomatoes
4 c tortilla soup
2 T lightly salted tortilla strips
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Weigh-In!
I typically try to weigh myself on Sunday mornings after using the restroom and before drinking water. I weighed myself on Tuesday this last week because the holiday and being away from my scale.
On Tuesday, I weighed 291.0 lbs.
Today? 289.2 lbs!
Weight loss=10.8 lbs so far!
My first goal weight was 270.0 lbs since that would have been 10% loss. I like the smaller goals, even though this feels a lot bigger.
Remember how my goal for this week is to eat according to my plan? Yeah, that was fine until lunch. I ate well, don't get me wrong. I sprayed my veggies with PAM Olive Oil Spray instead of tossing with olive oil so I can coat it all a lot easier and then put some Mrs. Dash seasonings on them before grilling them up. SUPER yummy. I ate lots of veggies and such, but now I am craving something sweet and more food! Granted, I have only eaten about 500 calories so far and it is 3pm, so I need to eat, but I have to find something to get rid of this sweet tooth! Bother. :)
That's ok though, because I am LOSING weight!!!
Happy to be a loser. ;)
On Tuesday, I weighed 291.0 lbs.
Today? 289.2 lbs!
Weight loss=10.8 lbs so far!
My first goal weight was 270.0 lbs since that would have been 10% loss. I like the smaller goals, even though this feels a lot bigger.
Remember how my goal for this week is to eat according to my plan? Yeah, that was fine until lunch. I ate well, don't get me wrong. I sprayed my veggies with PAM Olive Oil Spray instead of tossing with olive oil so I can coat it all a lot easier and then put some Mrs. Dash seasonings on them before grilling them up. SUPER yummy. I ate lots of veggies and such, but now I am craving something sweet and more food! Granted, I have only eaten about 500 calories so far and it is 3pm, so I need to eat, but I have to find something to get rid of this sweet tooth! Bother. :)
That's ok though, because I am LOSING weight!!!
Happy to be a loser. ;)
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Self Sabotage
What do you self sabotage? Anything?
I have been trying to break my sabotage for years, but it is such a difficult thing to give up. Sounds terrible, right?
When the shooting finally caught up to me, I had the words of the ever-persistent reporters going through my head. They told the world that it was our fault and that we could have done something to stop it. Then, there were nasty people out there who let us know that they think we deserved what we got. Somehow, through all the good that has happened in my life, I still hear those words running through my head every day. Hateful words others have said in anger are reminders of the deeper pain I still feel. I feel as if I deserve the hate and pain. Most days I can push that out of my head and convince myself it is ok to be happy. Other days, I find myself being happy and I can't reconcile my head and my happiness, so I sabotage.
I sound like a serious whack job, I know!
So, when I lose weight and then go eat a giant plate of tacos (total comfort food), it is unconscious sabotage.
It is so bothersome. I am doing pretty good, but I would love to stick completely to my eating plan for an entire week. So, that is my goal for this week. Sunday through Saturday, I am going to follow my eating plan to a "T"! 100% on-target!
So, no sabotage this week, no matter how I feel. I deserve the right to pursue happiness and not feel guilty about it! The best things in my life have come from when I have ignored the negative inner voice and given in to the good. My friends, my husband, my son, etc. I will remember this in order to make it through the week. Focus on the good to get rid of the bad.
Set some goals for yourself this week! Start off small. Maybe go outside and spend time in the spring air every day. Maybe it will be to make it to the gym this week. What will your goal be?
I have been trying to break my sabotage for years, but it is such a difficult thing to give up. Sounds terrible, right?
When the shooting finally caught up to me, I had the words of the ever-persistent reporters going through my head. They told the world that it was our fault and that we could have done something to stop it. Then, there were nasty people out there who let us know that they think we deserved what we got. Somehow, through all the good that has happened in my life, I still hear those words running through my head every day. Hateful words others have said in anger are reminders of the deeper pain I still feel. I feel as if I deserve the hate and pain. Most days I can push that out of my head and convince myself it is ok to be happy. Other days, I find myself being happy and I can't reconcile my head and my happiness, so I sabotage.
I sound like a serious whack job, I know!
So, when I lose weight and then go eat a giant plate of tacos (total comfort food), it is unconscious sabotage.
It is so bothersome. I am doing pretty good, but I would love to stick completely to my eating plan for an entire week. So, that is my goal for this week. Sunday through Saturday, I am going to follow my eating plan to a "T"! 100% on-target!
So, no sabotage this week, no matter how I feel. I deserve the right to pursue happiness and not feel guilty about it! The best things in my life have come from when I have ignored the negative inner voice and given in to the good. My friends, my husband, my son, etc. I will remember this in order to make it through the week. Focus on the good to get rid of the bad.
 |
| A good friend of mine shared this and I thought it fit really well. |
Set some goals for yourself this week! Start off small. Maybe go outside and spend time in the spring air every day. Maybe it will be to make it to the gym this week. What will your goal be?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Birthday!
It's official. I'm old.
Well, older than the other day at least.
But, as old as I feel, I completely feel like a child. I am learning new things every day. I am learning about responsibility and chores.
Either way, my birthday was great. I was able to not overdo it too much on calories. I got up and moved, even if it wasn't a trip to the gym. Plus, I weighed in that morning, and I lost 2 lbs over that past week! That includes Easter and all sorts of sugar temptations. :)
By this time next year, I will be in "Onederland." (I heard it on Biggest Loser--it is the term that refers to when your weight is between 100-199 lbs).
I hope and pray that I can get the support and love I want and need to make this journey a success.
Well, older than the other day at least.
But, as old as I feel, I completely feel like a child. I am learning new things every day. I am learning about responsibility and chores.
Either way, my birthday was great. I was able to not overdo it too much on calories. I got up and moved, even if it wasn't a trip to the gym. Plus, I weighed in that morning, and I lost 2 lbs over that past week! That includes Easter and all sorts of sugar temptations. :)
By this time next year, I will be in "Onederland." (I heard it on Biggest Loser--it is the term that refers to when your weight is between 100-199 lbs).
I hope and pray that I can get the support and love I want and need to make this journey a success.
Buddy Buddy Time
A lot of people have said that you need a workout buddy to be successful. You need a community of those with the same goals as you do in order to be successful. I totally believe it.
My husband and I have tried to lose weight for years. But, it always turns out that one of us is devoted to the cause and the other is basically "along for the ride." It goes back and forth. Either way, one of us typically plays the temptor while the other eventually gives in.
So, while talking with a good friend of mine recently, we decided to be each others Buddies. We are going to report to each other each week and let each other know if we need some extra help. So, I am going to start a "Buddy Connection". If you want some help with your weight loss goals from someone who doesn't know how to tempt you and is only there to support you in your goals, let me know. I want to help you all.
I strongly urge you to find someone to help you with your journey. It is never too late to start! So grab a friend and get working. :D
My husband and I have tried to lose weight for years. But, it always turns out that one of us is devoted to the cause and the other is basically "along for the ride." It goes back and forth. Either way, one of us typically plays the temptor while the other eventually gives in.
So, while talking with a good friend of mine recently, we decided to be each others Buddies. We are going to report to each other each week and let each other know if we need some extra help. So, I am going to start a "Buddy Connection". If you want some help with your weight loss goals from someone who doesn't know how to tempt you and is only there to support you in your goals, let me know. I want to help you all.
I strongly urge you to find someone to help you with your journey. It is never too late to start! So grab a friend and get working. :D
Monday, April 1, 2013
Easter Revelations
It is so easy to see the faults in others and the problems they create for themselves. It is easy to find the faults in others and see how, for instance, being diagnosed with diabetes and on insulin still doesn't inspire someone to eat better or take time to exercise. But, it is harder to admit that I judge others for the faults that I see in myself. I know I am on the brink of diabetes, so it scares me when I see others who have given up and given in.
I never want to stop trying. Even though I have bad days (like today), I also have good days. And, like any addiction, you need to take it one day at a time. Food addiction, which I would say is what happens when I can't seem to stop myself from binge eating. I am afraid of not being able to take control of my life and take responsibility for my actions. What if my eating habits take me to an early grave or make it so I can't have any more children? What if I can't care for my son because I just couldn't stop eating?
So, after the weekend filled with ham, potatoes, chocolate, and self-reflection, I am excited to keep moving forward and get back the health I so desperately crave.
PS-If you have a family member or loved one that you see making poor choices, tell them in a loving way that you are concerned for their health. Take action for yourself and lend help to others. I can't imagine a worse feeling than losing someone to obesity without speaking up and showing them you care.
I never want to stop trying. Even though I have bad days (like today), I also have good days. And, like any addiction, you need to take it one day at a time. Food addiction, which I would say is what happens when I can't seem to stop myself from binge eating. I am afraid of not being able to take control of my life and take responsibility for my actions. What if my eating habits take me to an early grave or make it so I can't have any more children? What if I can't care for my son because I just couldn't stop eating?
So, after the weekend filled with ham, potatoes, chocolate, and self-reflection, I am excited to keep moving forward and get back the health I so desperately crave.
PS-If you have a family member or loved one that you see making poor choices, tell them in a loving way that you are concerned for their health. Take action for yourself and lend help to others. I can't imagine a worse feeling than losing someone to obesity without speaking up and showing them you care.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Emotional Eating
Why do we overeat? I know we all have different reasons, but I think it mostly boils down to emotions we are trying to mask in some way. Whether it is the notion that we aren't good enough, our men left us, the stress of work is getting to us, or a myriad of other emotions, we eat. Eating at celebrations, funerals, when a friend comes into town is all marked by some emotion. I think if we can learn to separate ourselves from the emotions and focus on eating for health, it will do us a mountain of good.
Last night, I ate out of emotions. At a wonderful session with my personal trainer at +Golds Gym, we took measurements. Death. I lost 3 lbs over the past two months (for being an agoraphobic recluse, I think this should be considered a win), but I gained about 3 inches across my body.
GAH!
For reals?
I am just that much more determined to lose the inches.
But not until I ate a butt-load of mexican food and ice cream. Yup, I went there. I didn't even realize I was feeling lousy until the third mini Ben & Jerry's when I realized I was so full but kept eating.
I am moving past that today. I didn't go over my calories by too much, but I know better and will now act better.
This morning started out with a smoothie that my son and I slurped with smiles on our faces and later we had some carrots to tide us over until lunch comes.
My emotions are not going to dictate my health any more! I will be happy with the food choices I make because I know that even if it isn't what I want in the moment, I am being kind to myself and that means something.
Last night, I ate out of emotions. At a wonderful session with my personal trainer at +Golds Gym, we took measurements. Death. I lost 3 lbs over the past two months (for being an agoraphobic recluse, I think this should be considered a win), but I gained about 3 inches across my body.
GAH!
For reals?
I am just that much more determined to lose the inches.
But not until I ate a butt-load of mexican food and ice cream. Yup, I went there. I didn't even realize I was feeling lousy until the third mini Ben & Jerry's when I realized I was so full but kept eating.
I am moving past that today. I didn't go over my calories by too much, but I know better and will now act better.
This morning started out with a smoothie that my son and I slurped with smiles on our faces and later we had some carrots to tide us over until lunch comes.
My emotions are not going to dictate my health any more! I will be happy with the food choices I make because I know that even if it isn't what I want in the moment, I am being kind to myself and that means something.
Rachael Ray and Words to Think About
So, I was reading the subtitles to +Rachael Ray Show (click here for the link to the actual episode) yesterday at the gym, and this guy, Dr. Michael Mosley, was talking about the Fast Diet. I didn't really like the diet, but one thing I did like from him was about how we can "train" our bodies.
He talked about how when we get really hungry, the food we go for is what we have trained our bodies to "cure" hunger. So, when you get really hungry and you go straight for the bread like my hubby or cookies like I do, it is because that is what you have trained your body to crave when hungry.
It may take a while, but according to this, you can train your body to fight hunger with something else. Has anyone ever told you to drink some water instead of eating because it is usually thirst, not hunger? It's a case of mistaken identity.
So, my proposal is this: next time you are SO hungry and you think, "Hmm, tacos sound good" or "Cookies. . .",
STOP.
Remember this blog post! Grab yourself a large glass of water and some fruit, nuts, or veggies (carrots are great). You do this often enough, and you won't be craving those not-as-healthy hunger-busters.
What do you think?
He talked about how when we get really hungry, the food we go for is what we have trained our bodies to "cure" hunger. So, when you get really hungry and you go straight for the bread like my hubby or cookies like I do, it is because that is what you have trained your body to crave when hungry.
It may take a while, but according to this, you can train your body to fight hunger with something else. Has anyone ever told you to drink some water instead of eating because it is usually thirst, not hunger? It's a case of mistaken identity.
So, my proposal is this: next time you are SO hungry and you think, "Hmm, tacos sound good" or "Cookies. . .",
STOP.
Remember this blog post! Grab yourself a large glass of water and some fruit, nuts, or veggies (carrots are great). You do this often enough, and you won't be craving those not-as-healthy hunger-busters.
What do you think?
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Diets and other Nonsense
I have looked at and tried multiple diets. I think a lot of them are hooey. I have never been able to last very long on any of them. I think it is ridiculous to cut something natural out completely. If you are completely cutting all meat out of your diet, I don't think it is a great idea. Same goes for milk, carbs, fat, etc. This is personal opinion and I am in no way a nutritionist. But, I think a healthy balance of it all with heavy emphasis on whole foods such as fresh fruits and vegetables is a great way to go. Also, I heard recently that a study showed if you eat 60% of your calories before 3pm, you are more likely to lose weight than those who don't. This makes sense to me since your body is still moving about and can burn off those calories easier.
Personally, I have cut out soda completely. It does not make me feel good after I drink it, so I don't see the need. I will use some lemon-lime soda in a recipe I make about once or twice a year, but I have cut out drinking it. Water works.
Diet is such a negative word to me. So, that being said, this is my "Eating Plan":
Breakfast is a choice between: Oatmeal and fruit, a Green Smoothie, or a Veggie/Egg Scramble. On the weekends, I also allow myself one day with Hasbrowns or some form of pancakes or waffles--but they are smaller portions and are accompanied by fruit or veggies.
Lunch is a small portion of whatever is on our meal plan. We have tacos, veggie burgers, casseroles, pizza, you name it. The trick is to only eat a decent portion size and always eat fruits or veggies along with it.
Dinner is a choice between: Soup, Salad, or a Smoothie. This works for me since my hubbs is usually at work during dinner time and home for lunch. Plus, it is easy to make a large batch of two soups on Saturday and eat a bowl during the week. Less dishes at night? Yes, please.
If we get hungry in-between meals, there is always the option of eating. . .you guessed it! Fruits or veggies. :D A handful of nuts is also a good option--they are just higher in calories, so try F&V first.
This is what works for me. I lost 3.4 lbs the first week of doing this because I was eating so much healthier. I felt like I was able to eat what I wanted still and it is extremely liberating. Find an eating plan that fits your lifestyle, though. When we graduate from college and Hubbs gets a full-time job, we will have to adjust this a little, but we will make it work for us.
Small changes will make the difference. Good luck!
-Julie
Personally, I have cut out soda completely. It does not make me feel good after I drink it, so I don't see the need. I will use some lemon-lime soda in a recipe I make about once or twice a year, but I have cut out drinking it. Water works.
Diet is such a negative word to me. So, that being said, this is my "Eating Plan":
Breakfast is a choice between: Oatmeal and fruit, a Green Smoothie, or a Veggie/Egg Scramble. On the weekends, I also allow myself one day with Hasbrowns or some form of pancakes or waffles--but they are smaller portions and are accompanied by fruit or veggies.
Lunch is a small portion of whatever is on our meal plan. We have tacos, veggie burgers, casseroles, pizza, you name it. The trick is to only eat a decent portion size and always eat fruits or veggies along with it.
Dinner is a choice between: Soup, Salad, or a Smoothie. This works for me since my hubbs is usually at work during dinner time and home for lunch. Plus, it is easy to make a large batch of two soups on Saturday and eat a bowl during the week. Less dishes at night? Yes, please.
If we get hungry in-between meals, there is always the option of eating. . .you guessed it! Fruits or veggies. :D A handful of nuts is also a good option--they are just higher in calories, so try F&V first.
This is what works for me. I lost 3.4 lbs the first week of doing this because I was eating so much healthier. I felt like I was able to eat what I wanted still and it is extremely liberating. Find an eating plan that fits your lifestyle, though. When we graduate from college and Hubbs gets a full-time job, we will have to adjust this a little, but we will make it work for us.
Small changes will make the difference. Good luck!
-Julie
300 and Dropping, The Beginning
My name is Julie.
I am a very round woman, weighing in currently at 292.8 lbs at a height of 5'6".
I wasn't always this large. I was always a chubby child, despite my parents' best efforts to feed our family in a healthy way, but I wasn't as big as I am now. I am the only woman in my immediate family to really struggle with obesity. In high school, I was an unfortunate soul to be a witness of a school shooting, seeing things that still haunt me to this day. I carried on as best I could, but never admitted what a strong impact it had on me, despite friends and family trying to point out how much I was struggling.
During my junior year, I started to lose weight when I started to diet and exercise regularly. But, with some continued criticisms about my weight of 160, despite my very prominent curves and strong muscles, I became discouraged and gave up making my health a priority. I felt like my efforts would never be "enough." I would never be "good enough."
When I went away to college, everything I had been repressing basically hit me like a pillowcase full of bricks to the face. I wasn't sleeping, smiling, going outside (too many people), and I was using food as a comfort. The chocolate milk in the cafeteria was amazing. And the all-you-can-eat lunch lines filled with all manner of unhealthy grub was the perfect escape. I went from a woman who loved to meet new people and engage a crowd to someone who would hide under her desk with a vending machine lunch for fear of the world. This is difficult to admit, even now, 10 years later.
Seriously, I had issues.
I spent three years in therapy trying to stop my "self-defeating behaviors." By the end of those three years, I went from 180 lbs to about 240 lbs. I still had a lot to learn and then had to work on teaching myself that I am worth loving, both from myself and from others. Unfortunately, food was still a comfort. Plus, I was working in restaurants with deep-fried goodness and mouth-watering ice cream covered in fudge. Yeah, I basically did not lose weight, I maintained or gained. I tried to lose the weight, but I never seemed to get a good handle on it.
I met my husband in 2009, we were married in 2010, and I gave birth to our first (and only as of right now) son in 2011. During the pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes and got up to 295 lbs. The GD opened my eyes. I ate a low-carb diet and lost weight while in my third trimester. I was left with borderline diabetes post-pregnancy. Because my hubbs and I are students, we are unable to afford insurance, so I have no idea whether I have it for reals or not. Sob story, I know.
Anyways, I have been trying to lose weight and it is a total yo-yo thing. I have made it past the anniversary of the shooting (always a really rough time of year for me, even though it is more than a decade later), and I am re-committed to losing the weight and getting healthy.
So, this blog is going to document my journey from my current 292.8 lbs to my final goal weight of 175 lbs. It says on all the charts that 149 lbs is the upper range for a "healthy" bmi, but my personal trainer said that I am measuring about 165-170 lbs of non-fat. Basically, I have a lot of muscle. I guess I will re-evaluate when I get closer to my goal, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I hope you follow me on this journey. I am going to give recipes, tips, ideas for exercising, and giving info on what I learn as I recapture my health.
I am a very round woman, weighing in currently at 292.8 lbs at a height of 5'6".
I wasn't always this large. I was always a chubby child, despite my parents' best efforts to feed our family in a healthy way, but I wasn't as big as I am now. I am the only woman in my immediate family to really struggle with obesity. In high school, I was an unfortunate soul to be a witness of a school shooting, seeing things that still haunt me to this day. I carried on as best I could, but never admitted what a strong impact it had on me, despite friends and family trying to point out how much I was struggling.
During my junior year, I started to lose weight when I started to diet and exercise regularly. But, with some continued criticisms about my weight of 160, despite my very prominent curves and strong muscles, I became discouraged and gave up making my health a priority. I felt like my efforts would never be "enough." I would never be "good enough."
When I went away to college, everything I had been repressing basically hit me like a pillowcase full of bricks to the face. I wasn't sleeping, smiling, going outside (too many people), and I was using food as a comfort. The chocolate milk in the cafeteria was amazing. And the all-you-can-eat lunch lines filled with all manner of unhealthy grub was the perfect escape. I went from a woman who loved to meet new people and engage a crowd to someone who would hide under her desk with a vending machine lunch for fear of the world. This is difficult to admit, even now, 10 years later.
Seriously, I had issues.
I spent three years in therapy trying to stop my "self-defeating behaviors." By the end of those three years, I went from 180 lbs to about 240 lbs. I still had a lot to learn and then had to work on teaching myself that I am worth loving, both from myself and from others. Unfortunately, food was still a comfort. Plus, I was working in restaurants with deep-fried goodness and mouth-watering ice cream covered in fudge. Yeah, I basically did not lose weight, I maintained or gained. I tried to lose the weight, but I never seemed to get a good handle on it.
I met my husband in 2009, we were married in 2010, and I gave birth to our first (and only as of right now) son in 2011. During the pregnancy, I had gestational diabetes and got up to 295 lbs. The GD opened my eyes. I ate a low-carb diet and lost weight while in my third trimester. I was left with borderline diabetes post-pregnancy. Because my hubbs and I are students, we are unable to afford insurance, so I have no idea whether I have it for reals or not. Sob story, I know.
Anyways, I have been trying to lose weight and it is a total yo-yo thing. I have made it past the anniversary of the shooting (always a really rough time of year for me, even though it is more than a decade later), and I am re-committed to losing the weight and getting healthy.
So, this blog is going to document my journey from my current 292.8 lbs to my final goal weight of 175 lbs. It says on all the charts that 149 lbs is the upper range for a "healthy" bmi, but my personal trainer said that I am measuring about 165-170 lbs of non-fat. Basically, I have a lot of muscle. I guess I will re-evaluate when I get closer to my goal, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
I hope you follow me on this journey. I am going to give recipes, tips, ideas for exercising, and giving info on what I learn as I recapture my health.
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