At the Risk of Sounding Emo,

I sometimes feel as if I am a complete disappointment to my family. 
I am the fat one.
I am the one who can't seem to get a college degree, despite 10 years of college classes.
I am the one who still has issues being in crowded places.

It is even to the point where they don't even know what to say anymore.  If I am happy about something (like being able to breathe because of an inhaler), they say "ok" and move on.  If I say "I lost 5 lbs this week!" They wager an internal war against being excited and reprimanding me for not losing only 2 lbs (which, by the way, I am able to lose more because I am so obese and I am working with a doctor's supervision).  I feel like I am making this up sometimes, but I confide in my husband and he admits he knows what I am talking about because he has seen it, too.  I constantly have to justify my diet, exercise, vacations, work, or any other life decision when I share anything because they just don't get that my reasons are mine and not up for discussion.
I want to blame them for not helping me out when I was younger.  I want to scream that they thought they could buy me $5 bras for my cantaloupe-sized chest and then expect me to run around the block.  Or they could ignore my insistence that I couldn't breathe when I ran.  Or that when I pushed myself so hard to lose weight as a teen and even my dad joined in the throng in telling me I was still "unhealthy" (even though he was eating cookies every night while sitting on the couch watching tv while I was at the gym) it broke my heart because instead of offering me solutions, they only offered negative criticism.  Even worse--they all saw that I was struggling with PTSD from the shooting and none of them took me to see anyone or even told me what was happening!  I thought it was normal.  They just thought I would get through it somehow.  Or maybe they saw that I was losing weight and thought they would fix my head once my body looked how they thought it should be.

If you are reading this, whoever you are, know this:
No matter your size, it does not change the kindness in your heart, the happiness you can share, or the change you can make.

I wish I could convince myself of this on days where I get down.  I wish I could convince my parents and my sisters and all those who have ever judged me for being fat/chubby/obese/overweight/jabba-like, including myself, that I am still strong.

So, I am incredibly emo today, and I apologize.  I  just know there are others out there like me who are struggling and I want to help you know you aren't alone.  You can make it through the rough days and have happy ones ahead.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Losing weight is for yourself--your health mentally and physically--and you can do it!  Lean on me. 
I can use a friend, too.