Pudge Sludge

I know I have been losing weight and that is great.

But there is still this mental block.  I look at myself and think, "Gross".

I feel as if my stomach is getting wider and my cheeks are getting puffier and my neck is inflating like a balloon with every morsel I put into my mouth.

I can't seem to see myself in the light of good that I am accomplishing.  I can only see myself as the bad of where I have been.

I have been reading a lot of different things lately where people are basically justifying being overweight because of one thing or another.  They take offense to words like "fat" or "chubby" or "obese".  I think this is ridiculous, first off.  I mean, honestly, you are more fat than muscle, water, bone, or organs, so yes.  You can be classified as fat.  Unless someone force-fed you exorbitant amounts of unhealthy foods over an extended period of time without letting you exercise, you are at fault for your weight.

*I know that sounds harsh, but please keep reading*

But, what I don't think is cool is for how others treat those who are overweight.

People seem to either pity, hate, ignore, or blame the overweight.  Sometimes, it is a matter of being poorly educated or motivated or supported in the home while growing up, and those 18-year habits are so difficult to break that the person never sees a healthy weight.

Sometimes it is an underlying issue of depression, anxiety, or other emotional distress where the person's solution is to eat themselves into a numb stupor or gain a momentary high from the fatty sugary goodness of the cake/cookie/ice cream/enter sweet of choice here.  Until they learn to deal with their emotions, their weight will forever be an issue.  On top of that, they have people looking at them and judging them for being obese.

I was looking through old photos lately where I was told I was obese because of my BMI.  I wonder what the difference would have been if I had been given praise for my healthy choices instead of pressure to become a size 4?  I was an hourglass peg being shoved into a triangular hole. 

Now that I have become the circle peg, my family tries their hardest to support me.  But, I demand more from them than I did before.  They are not allowed to focus on my current weight, but only on the direction it is heading and the positive choices and changes I am making for myself and my family.

Before you judge that kid in your class because they don't fit into the desk made for the size 10, or laugh at the woman whose clothes don't fit or the man buying an extra large meal to eat alone, think about what they may have gone through to get them there.  Maybe they are grieving over a loved one or just caught their spouse cheating.  Maybe they have nobody to help them through the hard times or maybe they have a genetic disorder that makes it extremely difficult to lose weight.  Or, they just have never had anyone tell them they are wonderful, beautiful, special, or gifted enough to need to care for themselves enough to take care of their body so they can live to see the day when their mark on the world will be realized.

If you are overweight, do not let the world get in your way.  You are beautiful!  You are worth the time and effort it takes to love yourself.   Eating good food and exercising is for your benefit, not for the world or society or even for your parents/family.

I do not always love the body I have right now.  I created my situation, and I know that.  I take responsibility for that fact.  It makes me sad to think about it, but it is the truth and it can't be fought.  I can realize that it is just my body, though.  I can love the person I am underneath so much that I will fight to keep her alive.  I will fight to let her live.  I want to learn to surf.  I want to ride roller coasters.  I want to have more babies.  I want to live to be 100 years old and see my great grandchildren be born.  I want to climb mountains and canoe down rivers.  That is what living is to me.  I can't do all that if I don't take care of my body right now.

So, despite my mental block, which I am nicknaming "pudge sludge", I am going to keep trying.  I am going to keep trekking it to the gym and working out and pushing a little bit harder on the treadmill and showing myself that I am the master of my body.  Only I can make myself feel bad for the choices I made to get me to where I am today and the way to fix that is to feel good about the choices I make every day to move in the other direction.