At the Risk of Sounding Emo,

I sometimes feel as if I am a complete disappointment to my family. 
I am the fat one.
I am the one who can't seem to get a college degree, despite 10 years of college classes.
I am the one who still has issues being in crowded places.

It is even to the point where they don't even know what to say anymore.  If I am happy about something (like being able to breathe because of an inhaler), they say "ok" and move on.  If I say "I lost 5 lbs this week!" They wager an internal war against being excited and reprimanding me for not losing only 2 lbs (which, by the way, I am able to lose more because I am so obese and I am working with a doctor's supervision).  I feel like I am making this up sometimes, but I confide in my husband and he admits he knows what I am talking about because he has seen it, too.  I constantly have to justify my diet, exercise, vacations, work, or any other life decision when I share anything because they just don't get that my reasons are mine and not up for discussion.
I want to blame them for not helping me out when I was younger.  I want to scream that they thought they could buy me $5 bras for my cantaloupe-sized chest and then expect me to run around the block.  Or they could ignore my insistence that I couldn't breathe when I ran.  Or that when I pushed myself so hard to lose weight as a teen and even my dad joined in the throng in telling me I was still "unhealthy" (even though he was eating cookies every night while sitting on the couch watching tv while I was at the gym) it broke my heart because instead of offering me solutions, they only offered negative criticism.  Even worse--they all saw that I was struggling with PTSD from the shooting and none of them took me to see anyone or even told me what was happening!  I thought it was normal.  They just thought I would get through it somehow.  Or maybe they saw that I was losing weight and thought they would fix my head once my body looked how they thought it should be.

If you are reading this, whoever you are, know this:
No matter your size, it does not change the kindness in your heart, the happiness you can share, or the change you can make.

I wish I could convince myself of this on days where I get down.  I wish I could convince my parents and my sisters and all those who have ever judged me for being fat/chubby/obese/overweight/jabba-like, including myself, that I am still strong.

So, I am incredibly emo today, and I apologize.  I  just know there are others out there like me who are struggling and I want to help you know you aren't alone.  You can make it through the rough days and have happy ones ahead.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Losing weight is for yourself--your health mentally and physically--and you can do it!  Lean on me. 
I can use a friend, too.

Another Good Week

I must say, I am very proud of myself.  I started my week off, well, 'not so hot'.  But, in the end, I rocked it out hard.
I am proud that I didn't give up.  I am proud that I didn't listen to the negative self-talk that tells me I will fail and that I can't do this and it is too much and it is going to take way too long.  I just pushed through and did the work and hoped for the best.
So, yesterday, when I was hurt by a close friend who ignored me when I came to visit, I did NOT use food as a crutch.  I thought about it, but I didn't.  When my mom told me she had flown into the same state, only a few hours away from me and failed to mention this event the two times we had talked earlier in the week and it stung, I did NOT use food as a way to escape.  Actually, I talked (whoa!), or rather wrote, to a friend on the other side of the country who was willing to listen.
Small behavior changes add up to big ones in the end.  When you want that burger, fries, taco, or ice cream, tell yourself, "I don't need it because I want to take care of my body."

After all this hard work, how did it pay off???
279.8 lbs!!
This week's weight loss is 4.2 lbs, with a total weight loss so far of 20.2 lbs!  I have less than 10 lbs to my goal of 270 by the time I go visit my family in May.  I can do this!  Then, there will be another goal, and another one, and another one. . .until the weight is down and my body is healthy.  :D

As promised, here are some pictures!  This is me on Dec. 5, 2012, when I weighed in at 300 lbs.  When I hit 270 I will post a new pic, weight-loss style. 

Breathing is a Beautiful Thing

I mentioned I got an inhaler from my doc and how it was a great thing, right?
Well yesterday, I took the inhaler a little earlier than that first day to see if it would help me even more. 
HOLY COW!
I was just doing cardio, so it was going to be easy to tell.  Within 5 minutes of doing a walk at my warm-up pace, I felt great!  My lungs were open, I could breathe like a normal person, and I knew that the only thing holding me back would be if my legs or arms just couldn't take it.
So I pushed myself a little further . . . and then a little more. . .
Until finally I finished my cardio, not because I was too tired or my lungs began to hurt (they were definitely working, just not constricting like a boa).  I finished because I started thinking about how grateful I am for a doctor who listened to me.  I am grateful for my lungs being able to work properly.  I feel as if everything is opening up for me and I can literally and figuratively breathe.  I can work out without feeling like a loser 5 minutes in to a routine.  I feel as if I have been given the golden ticket to losing weight! 
I am ready to RUN!!!

Basically, breathing is a beautiful thing.  :D

Get moving

I went to the doctor yesterday.  I had some concerns and it was my first doctor's visit in about 19 months (last one being a post-pregnancy check-up). 
The doctor was great.  I have never had a doctor actually listen to me and believe me, give me options and suggestions that would be financially and health smart.  He saw my hubbs, too, and removed some suspicious moles from his back.  Poor hubby.  I am really hoping the pathology report comes back clean. 
I got a prescription for an inhaler and I am so excited about it.  My day at the gym yesterday went well and I could breathe hours later.  Hopefully this means I can push myself and build up my cardio strength.
Take care of yourself and keep eating right and moving!  It can help you in ways that aren't just the way your body looks.  It will help your mind and give you peace. 
So, get moving!

Tomorrow Is a New Day to Conquer!

I have been nervous to write on the blog the past few days.
Although I had tremendous success this past week, I have also killed my success with a very powerful bout of binge eating.  So much so that I actually considered (but did not follow through) with purging.  I know that is a huge struggle for a lot of people, men and women alike, and I also know that if I were to start and get the results I want, I may just have a very difficult time stopping.
So, I choked it down and instead wallowed in self-pity and loathing.  Such a better choice, right? . . . .
Yeah, anyways.
So, I have halfheartedly recommitted myself to weight loss.  That is, until I stepped on the scale tonight and noticed all my hard work is going down the drain!
There is no way I am going to give up and give in to the chocolate, sugar, and oh-so-delicious Mexican food.  Plus, I have been feeling sick after eating all this lousy food, and that is just wrong!  I must choose good food so I can feel good.
I spoke with one of my closest, dearest friends today.  She and I have been friends since we were lil' babes.  She knows me like most people never will.  She encouraged me and lifted me up.  By the time I was done talking with her, I wanted to go running till I hit onederland.  But, alas, my son is in bed with my hubbs at work.  Plus, it snowed today (bane of my existence) and there is no way I am going out in that.  What's a mother to do?  I cleaned. 
Dishes, wiping down counters, cleaning the oven, vaccumming and laundry.  Yes, an hours' worth of cleaning and I am ready to go. 
Tomorrow is a new day and I will conquer it!

PS-If you are wondering where all the pictures are of my life and all that--they are coming.  I need to find a cable that my son "discovered" and hid from me before I can get my pictures off my camera.  :)

The Weigh-In

Alright, so today was my dreaded weigh-in.  I am always so nervous after a week of strict eating and working out that the scale will show no improvement and therefore mock me into a depressed stupor.
I didn't do so hot on my eating plan yesterday and the day before (late day binge on Friday and then my hubbs and I went out to eat for dinner yesterday--to a mexican restaurant that just made me want to try one of everything on their menu).  But, I have worked out at least three times this week and eaten extremely well on 5 out of 7 days. 
You are all dying to hear how the meeting with my scale went, huh???
284.0!!!!
That isn't that great, you say?  Well, let's remember that last Sunday, I weighed in at 289.2.
Thus, I lost 5.2 lbs!!!
Yes, yes, I am amazing.
Now, I know this can't happen every week.  But, every time I stick to my eating plan, I lose no less than 3 lbs.  I am psyched about this weight loss! 
I have figured that if I can lose 3 lbs per week until the end of summer and 2 lbs per week after that, I will be 200 lbs by December.  It is a long way off, but I am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. 
I have set some smaller goals and I am more than halfway to my first one of 270 lbs by May 12.  :D
Work hard and don't get discouraged!  Tomorrow is a new day and you can always start again.
Woo-hoo for Weight Loss!!!

Chocolate Milk is my Gateway Food

Do you have a gateway food?  The one that you occasionally eat that isn't so bad, but then makes you feel as if you could eat another thing that is a little worse but still not french fries so it must be ok?
Well, chocolate milk is the one for me.
Today, after my workout, I went to the store to get more spinach for salads and smoothies.  Yay!
I saw the chocolate milk and thought about how my trainer said that would be a great after-exercise thing to drink to tide you over until you get some good food in your system.  Awesome!
I chose fat free so I wouldn't have that gnawing at me.
Uh, but then after lunch I was hungry and a veggie burger just sounded so good, so I had one of those for dinner with some grilled asparagus.  Not too bad.
But then, my chocolate monster was unleashed.  The leftover smores materials were calling my name!
Chocolate and toasted marshmallows?  Brilliant!
What about the +Skinny Cow Caramel Filled Chocolates sent to me for my bday by my bestie?  Eaten! (SUPER delicious, btw)
And since I felt as if my day was totally shot, why not eat handful upon handful of goldfish crackers?  Sounds like a great idea to me!

So, needless to say--Chocolate milk is my gateway drug food.

All that and I was still under 2,000 calories for the day!  Plus, with my workout, it made for a decent deficit.
One more day down.  I am disappointed I didn't last all week sticking strictly to my eating plan, though.  I can just try again tomorrow!

Straight A Student

So, I got another A for my food log!  I love getting these A's.

Plus, I had some birthday money burning a hole in my pocket.  I went and bought myself some great new shoes!  I over-pronate (step on the outside of my foot), so my +Walmart  special tennis shoes just weren't cutting it.  Now I have these that are designed to support my feet and I love it!
I can't wait to make it to the gym today so I can break them in.  :D
 

Cheaters Never Prosper!

Feeling great!  I have been strict on my eating plan yesterday and today, and I have gotten A's both days!
That may sound a little weird, but it is a nutrition grade that +Calorie Count  comes up with.  That's what I use to count calories.  I love this website.  It not only keeps track of your food intake and exercise, but it lets you know how you are doing on things like sodium, calcium, and potassium.  When you put in your weight, it will tell you what weight you should be at for your personal trend.  You can set goals and choose different diet types such as low-carb, pregnant, vegetarian, etc.  I really love the program.  Plus, there are forums you can join for everything from over-eaters to exercise encouragement and how to make recipes healthier.  So great.
Plus, they have a recipe analyzer that tells you the nutrition facts for your meal.  SO great!
Anyways, it gives you a grade and my eating the past two days has been a big, fat, A!
I have wanted to cheat and have a piece of chocolate or some ice cream or even just some crackers, but I knew I was accountable to you, my readers (whomever you are), so I stuck to my plan.
Thanks for reading and keeping me honest.  :)

My meals for today:
3 c green smoothie
2 hard boiled egg whites

10 cherry tomatoes

4 c tortilla soup
2 T lightly salted tortilla strips

Weigh-In!

I typically try to weigh myself on Sunday mornings after using the restroom and before drinking water.  I weighed myself on Tuesday this last week because the holiday and being away from my scale.
On Tuesday, I weighed 291.0 lbs.
Today?  289.2 lbs!
Weight loss=10.8 lbs so far!
My first goal weight was 270.0 lbs since that would have been 10% loss.  I like the smaller goals, even though this feels a lot bigger.
Remember how my goal for this week is to eat according to my plan?  Yeah, that was fine until lunch.  I ate well, don't get me wrong.  I sprayed my veggies with PAM Olive Oil Spray instead of tossing with olive oil so I can coat it all a lot easier and then put some Mrs. Dash seasonings on them before grilling them up.  SUPER yummy.   I ate lots of veggies and such, but now I am craving something sweet and more food!  Granted, I have only eaten about 500 calories so far and it is 3pm, so I need to eat, but I have to find something to get rid of this sweet tooth!  Bother.  :)
That's ok though, because I am LOSING weight!!!
Happy to be a loser.  ;)

Self Sabotage

What do you self sabotage?  Anything?
I have been trying to break my sabotage for years, but it is such a difficult thing to give up.  Sounds terrible, right?
When the shooting finally caught up to me, I had the words of the ever-persistent reporters going through my head.  They told the world that it was our fault and that we could have done something to stop it.  Then, there were nasty people out there who let us know that they think we deserved what we got.  Somehow, through all the good that has happened in my life, I still hear those words running through my head every day.  Hateful words others have said in anger are reminders of the deeper pain I still feel.  I feel as if I deserve the hate and pain.  Most days I can push that out of my head and convince myself it is ok to be happy.  Other days, I find myself being happy and I can't reconcile my head and my happiness, so I sabotage.
I sound like a serious whack job,  I know!
So, when I lose weight and then go eat a giant plate of tacos (total comfort food), it is unconscious sabotage.
It is so bothersome.  I am doing pretty good, but I would love to stick completely to my eating plan for an entire week.  So, that is my goal for this week.  Sunday through Saturday, I am going to follow my eating plan to a "T"!  100% on-target!
So, no sabotage this week, no matter how I feel.  I deserve the right to pursue happiness and not feel guilty about it!  The best things in my life have come from when I have ignored the negative inner voice and given in to the good.  My friends, my husband, my son, etc.  I will remember this in order to make it through the week.  Focus on the good to get rid of the bad.

A good friend of mine shared this and I thought it fit really well.

Set some goals for yourself this week!  Start off small.  Maybe go outside and spend time in the spring air every day.  Maybe it will be to make it to the gym this week.  What will your goal be?

Birthday!

It's official.  I'm old.
Well, older than the other day at least.

But, as old as I feel, I completely feel like a child.  I am learning new things every day.  I am learning about responsibility and chores. 
Either way, my birthday was great.  I was able to not overdo it too much on calories.  I got up and moved, even if it wasn't a trip to the gym.  Plus, I weighed in that morning, and I lost 2 lbs over that past week!  That includes Easter and all sorts of sugar temptations.  :)
By this time next year, I will be in "Onederland."  (I heard it on Biggest Loser--it is the term that refers to when your weight is between 100-199 lbs).
I hope and pray that I can get the support and love I want and need to make this journey a success.

Buddy Buddy Time

A lot of people have said that you need a workout buddy to be successful.  You need a community of those with the same goals as you do in order to be successful.  I totally believe it. 
My husband and I have tried to lose weight for years.  But, it always turns out that one of us is devoted to the cause and the other is basically "along for the ride."  It goes back and forth.  Either way, one of us typically plays the temptor while the other eventually gives in.
So, while talking with a good friend of mine recently, we decided to be each others Buddies.  We are going to report to each other each week and let each other know if we need some extra help.  So, I am going to start a "Buddy Connection".  If you want some help with your weight loss goals from someone who doesn't know how to tempt you and is only there to support you in your goals, let me know.  I want to help you all.
I strongly urge you to find someone to help you with your journey.  It is never too late to start!  So grab a friend and get working.  :D

Easter Revelations

It is so easy to see the faults in others and the problems they create for themselves.  It is easy to find the faults in others and see how, for instance, being diagnosed with diabetes and on insulin still doesn't inspire someone to eat better or take time to exercise.  But, it is harder to admit that I judge others for the faults that I see in myself.  I know I am on the brink of diabetes, so it scares me when I see others who have given up and given in. 
I never want to stop trying.  Even though I have bad days (like today), I also have good days.  And, like any addiction, you need to take it one day at a time.  Food addiction, which I would say is what happens when I can't seem to stop myself from binge eating. I am afraid of not being able to take control of my life and take responsibility for my actions.  What if my eating habits take me to an early grave or make it so I can't have any more children?  What if I can't care for my son because I just couldn't stop eating?
So, after the weekend filled with ham, potatoes, chocolate, and self-reflection, I am excited to keep moving forward and get back the health I so desperately crave. 

PS-If you have a family member or loved one that you see making poor choices, tell them in a loving way that you are concerned for their health.  Take action for yourself and lend help to others.  I can't imagine a worse feeling than losing someone to obesity without speaking up and showing them you care.