Two goals down!!!

As of Sunday, I have met my second goal! Pictures to come soon! 

50 lbs lost! I weighed in at exactly 250.0, which blew my mind that I did it, but I am so grateful!

I got some new clothes today and that is soooo fantastic. Pants that fit, shirts that flatter! Wow! And, today marks day 1 of 10 on a vacation sans the hubbs, so when I get back to him I will look super awesome with my new clothes and hopefully a few more pounds down! 

Hooray!

My mom also said that while on this vacation, she would pay for a gym membership for me for the week. Chuze fitness here has a great gm, so I am going there. I am so excited!

Two Weeks Of Glory

I weighed in yesterday morning and it was way better than I thought. 
I have been doing this whole one good, one not-so-good week of weight loss, so with over 5 lbs lost last week, I thought for sure it would be like 1 lb this week.
But nope!
I lost another 5.8 lbs!
So now, in order to make my goal, I have to only lose 1.4 lbs by next week.  I can totally do this!  Then I will have made two goals in a row.
I am pretty stoked about that.  I want to make this next weigh-in so badly.  I want to see myself at the 50 LBS lost mark.  I am so close!
In about 2 months I will be starting school again (it seems a lot closer than that) and life will be getting a lot more hectic.  I have to get as much weight lost now as possible and as strict a pattern down for myself so that when classes resume I won't have to worry about getting back into the swing of things.
I am ready to rock this out!  As soon as I hit that goal, I will post more pics.  Be ready--I think I may actually have some good ones.  :D  I found a picture from my son's birthday party last year, and I am SO hoping I will be able to never see that again.  His next birthday is coming up and I will make sure to take pictures and make sure you can see the difference.
Keep your spirits high and keep working hard!

The Very Best Meal of My Life!

I am still reeling over the explosion of heaven and awesome that just happened in my mouth. I found a pin on Pinterest with mozzarella, spinach, pesto, and huge slices of tomato in a panini and thought it looked good.

My hubbs had a similar sandwich sans pesto but with pepperoni at a farmers market in San Diego recently, so we had to put this on the menu.

I put maybe a teaspoon of pesto, two very thin slices of mozzarella, VERY thin slices of tomato, lots of spinach, and one deli slice of pepperoni. I went for the deli slice because it is better quality and you can get it as hick or thin as you want and order as much or little as you need. 

We put a little bit of olive oil on the outside of the bread before pressing and then ate with some grapes. 

Oh my heavens! 

I could eat this every day. One tiny sandwich filled me up and made my stomach smile a thousand smiles.

All this for just 300 calories! Hoo rah. 

Calories  300 Calories from Fat  69

% Daily Value*

Total Fat  7.6g 12%

Saturated Fat  2.7g 13%

Trans Fat  0.1g

Cholesterol  11mg 4%

Sodium  685mg 29%

Total Carbohydrates  44.2g 15%

Dietary Fiber  4.1g 16%

Sugars  2.9g

Protein  15.2g

Best. Sandwich. Ever.

Take That

Sometimes other people at the gym suck.
Seriously, what is people's deal today???
I kept smiling at people at the gym and they were giving me death stares and "I'm better than you" scoffs and "you are too fat to be here" shrug-offs!  I am not even imagining them all, either.  It was seriously a blatant thing. 
There was this old lady that had a mighty stick up her yahoo that wouldn't stop scowling at me.  I made eye contact & smiled.  She totally narrowed her eyes and I swear her lip curled.  Evil lady wearing makeup to the gym!
Then, since my nerves were on edge and I was all flustered, I was going to try and get my VO2 max--a number that helps me see how strong my lungs are becoming.  I was trying to focus and get out of my head and some body-builder types dropped weights.  Gah!  Took what little breath I had left right out of me.  I regained my momentum as fast as I could, but then HE DID IT AGAIN!!!
This is like, one of the cardinal rules of the gym!  Do not drop the weights.  It breaks the machines, the weights themselves, and scares the crap out of the other paying members!
The second time I swear it sounded like gunshots and I nearly ducked.  I just had to stop the treadmill I had started crying so badly. 
I was so incredibly angry for letting the other people get inside my head and ruining my workout. 
I was even more embarrassed for letting myself cry in front of those people. 
I don't think that people who have always been fit or skinny or been able to even buy clothes at a regular department store (up to size 12 for women) really even know what it is like for someone like me to even set foot inside a gym. 
It takes every ounce of pride you can muster.  You wear clothes that either feel like they show every inch of fat or else feel like a circus tent.  You stand next to people going twice as fast as you on the treadmill without breaking a sweat or even into a run while you feel like you are about to be flung off the edge. 
It doesn't matter if you have lost 10 lbs or 100, because at the gym, if you are still the overweight one, people still see you as the one that is out of breath & sweating like a pig.  They don't think you are serious about exercise because of your extra weight.  It doesn't matter that this weight was brought on after a long struggle with depression.  A depression brought on because I saw my friends shot down right in front of me on my way to second block english.  Then later was told I could have done something to prevent it.  I should have seen it coming.  I wasn't paying close enough attention.  Therefore, I deserved what I got.
I deserved to have those images burned into my memory forever, to haunt my nightmares until I die.  I am that terrible of a person. 
I have tried to do as much as I can ever since.  I fall incredibly short every single day of my life.  I am observant.  I try to help others in pain.  I run and hide from fear of failure and I take on too much when inspired for the greatness & potential I see somewhere inside that got buried deep within the rubble of my crumbled fairytale dreamland.
The only thing these jerks see at the gym is my chubby tummy taking up space in their gym.  Now, not all skinny people are jerks.  Not what I am saying.  I am saying the ones who aren't returning my smiles and who scoff at me when I try to work in on the machine they are "using" (sitting on while talking on their cell phone).  These are the jerks. 
I am not going to let them ruin tomorrow, though.  I am going to get my cardio in and it is going to be great.  I have an hour to work it and I need to make it count.  They can throw their weights and act like monkeys, but at the end of the day, I will be the one losing weight at the end of the week and I will have accomplished what I went there to do.

The Massage Is In Sight!

My body needs to stop fighting and just start losing on a regular basis, already.  I swear, this "every other week" thing is killing me.
I knew I was losing this week (despite the sickness and lack of motivation for the gym--tell me how fair that is?), so with going into the 250's this week, I was not too surprised.  But seriously, after less than a pound last week after trying so hard???
My stomach is looking flabbier, though.  I can tell.  I can see that it is not as strong and my legs and arms are tired.  So, I am going to buckle down and get back to what I am supposed to be doing in the gym and rock my workout this week.  3 days of straight-up circuit, then cardio, 3 days of straight cardio.  I can do it! 
What number did I pull, exactly?  257.2 for a weight loss of 5.8 lbs from last week. 
This means I have 2 weeks to lose 7.2 lbs.  I wasn't sure I was going to hit my goal for this SD trip, but I think I might actually do it!  I so hope I can! My reward is a 100 minute massage and oh, boy, do I want need that massage!

Tacos

Growing up in Southern California gave me a unique view on food.
aka--Mexican food is like ambrosia.
Seriously.
I could eat the stuff at any time of day.
But, it is not the best food when it comes to taking care of your waistline.
Beans, rice, tortilla, grilled chicken & steak, fish, guacamole, tortilla chips, salsa, sour cream, enchilada sauce, tamales, and the love that never ends for the delicious cheese that covers it all.
For the past 5 days I have been waging an internal battle against the demon inside that keeps saying, "Tacos."
That's it.  One word.
"Tacos."
Hmmm, what should I have for a snack?  "Tacos."
I am getting hungry for dinner.  What should I make?  "TACOS."
*wakes up* Breakfast time.  Let's make a smoothie.  "TACOS!!!"

I am not sure how much more of this I can take!  I should have just given in at the first few days, gotten a small taste of tacos, made in a healthy manner, and been done with it.  Now, I fear, I will gorge myself on the greasiest, most delicious, unhealthy, fastest version available to me at the moment I happen to snap in the moment of weakness.  I will sit there, with the taco wrappers littered around me while I cry out of joy for the happiness that my tongue enjoyed and the pure hell I will have to endure the next week at the gym just to counteract the shame of what I just did.  For tacos.
Sweet, lovely, tacos.

"Tacos."

What To Do When You Get The Flu?

I may just meet my weight loss goal for this next week. . .but not from a great diet & exercise.
The Hubbs & I came down with a bad case of the flu for the past 24-48 hours and it got rid of a bunch of water weight.  Sadly, that won't stay gone.
I didn't think I was that bad off, just a little bit queasy, so I tried going to the gym that first morning.  10 minutes into the workout, I found myself "meditating" instead of doing my circuit.  Haha.  Yeah. . .
Well, I tried.  I seriously thought I would be ok and then it just didn't happen.  By the time I got home I was so wasted I flopped onto the couch, my near 2-year-old ran to his toys, and my Hubbs slept soundly in the bedroom. 
Sadly, as the mother, I got the joy of playing nursemaid and invalid and chef all day to my small family.  Luckily nobody stopped by or else they would have been hit with a house littered with toys, piles of laundry (clean--I was just too tired to fold & put away), and a pile of dishes--from what, I am still not sure.  Seriously--we couldn't eat anything and all I could bring myself to fix the lil' one was pureed fruit/veggie packs, crackers, cheese, apple slices, spoons of peanut butter, and pouring Naked Smoothies into a sippy cup.  Very low on the dish-making scale.
Now that the sickness has passed, I am feeling like I have so much extra energy!  It is like when you go through times of not having money when you find $20 in an old jacket you suddenly feel like a millionaire.  :)
So, now I have all these grand plans of what to do for the day, including putting away the laundry, going to the gym and giving a good (but not pushing too hard just in case my body is not totally fixed) workout, planning out meals for the week, giving my son a much-needed haircut, doing the dishes, and airing out the stench of sickness from our small apartment. 
I am so grateful for health!  Despite the rotund nature of my belly, I am getting healthier every day and it feels great.  I get discouraged, but I can be confident that I am doing everything I can to choose health.

Down on Down

I worked hard this week.  Like, I did the harder training session, ate stricter diet, and tried to move. 
My stomach feels like the inches I lost magically jumped back on, my pants don't fit as well, and I am just all out not feeling it.
Weight loss is hard.  It was depression that got me here in the first place.  During the shooting in high school, I hid under a desk until the police came to clear our room.  I think hiding under a desk or in a tight space ended up giving me some sort of comfort from then on.  I tell my hubbs that I basically "ate everything in sight for three years and then hid under a desk" when I describe that period in my life where I gained the majority of my extra weight, and it is actually pretty accurate.  Once I found out my dorm chair fit in the closet, I went there instead of under the desk, but that was basically it.  I ate away the pain I felt and hid. 
So, when I am doing everything I should according to the "experts" when it comes to losing weight, I feel like the fat should be melting off to reveal a barbie-like figure underneath (don't we all wish?).
The scale this morning said 263.0 lbs.  That means over the course of a week, I lost .6 lbs.  I seriously don't know where I went wrong.  It isn't like I gained weight, so that is good, but I am starting to get discouraged from the back & forth weight loss.  I am not switching things so wildly from one week to the next that I should be losing by so drastically different numbers each week.  So what did I do last week that I didn't do this week?
I can see some people read this blog, and I am glad they do.  I am glad there is someone out there who listens.  I wish I knew what you wanted to hear about though.  Why me? 
Are you trying to lose weight, too?  (It's difficult, I know).
Do you know me and you stumbled upon this blog and so you read it to see what I am thinking (I have only told Hubbs and 2 friends about this blog--so if this is it--please don't tell me--I think I would be too embarrassed)? 
Are you a psychologist looking for some material?  (If so, I have plenty more to tell ya).

Okay, well, have a wonderful Sunday.  Tomorrow is Monday and it is back to the grind and back to the gym.

Salads

My husband used to be a very. . .selective. . .eater.
When it came time to choose something to eat, even for a special night, it would be pizza, chicken strips & fries, or the very occasional taco.
I was with him when he had his first cheeseburger, well into his twenties.
His list of vegetables he liked included french cut green beans, corn, and the occasional salad (he likes romaine &spinach mix, but would only ever eat it enough that he would typically just eat a salad at family dinners).

I am not saying this to be disparaging, only to explain my awe when I reflected on our lunch happenings today.
We got home from the store.
Me:  I am so hungry!
Him:  What do you want for lunch:
M: (thinking. . .) Salad?
H: Ok!  That sounds good!

Haha.  It took me a while after we got together to even convince him salad could be a meal.  But, thanks to places like Zupas, and my hard work, of course, I have been able to show him just how right I am.
I still am blown away when he tells me he wants asparagus or jicama or that a salad sounds good.  I love that I can be this influence for good in his life, even if it is a small thing.
I would even say that my husband is now a varied and sometimes semi-adventurous eater.  He has his days where he wants to try something new, but it isn't too crazy.  I think most of us fit into this category.  More often than not I am.  :)
BTW, salads do not have to be boring!  If you have leftover fajita innards from the night before, make it a salad for lunch the next day.  Or load it with veggies, a little bit of pasta (like tri-colored rotini), and top with a little flavored viniagrette.  There are so many options and anything works, really.  And you can put things like Chia seeds in there without even noticing them and get those added benefits.  I am just saying.
Weigh-in tomorrow.  I am pretty sure it is not going to be pretty, friends.