Back in the Saddle

So life came at me hard last year. 

I went through a rough summer with my family and then just as things were looking to be moving in the right direction, I was sent into a severe spiral when someone set off firecrackers 10 feet away when he had been specifically told not to (encouraging me to let my guard down).

This normally isn't a huge deal, but with my PTSD, it sent me into a dark place.  This was followed by my final two semesters of undergraduate work and late night cram sessions and a lot of pizza. 

Plus, we found out I was pregnant mid-spring semester. 

But, I am all done and graduated, so cheers all around!

This pregnancy is a bit different. I had more energy to start off with, and although I was working out regularly that final semester, I was eating so much more because babies make a woman hungry!!! All. The. Time.

But, I have been blessed to have only recently gain weight two weeks ago. I started at 280 lbs and lost a little, then gained a little, and I was at 282-ish a week and a half ago. 

Last time I was preggers, I got gestational diabetes. I tried to lose weight like they said to do, but just couldn't seem to keep it off. This new doc of mine sent me to be tested at 16/17 weeks instead of at 28/30 weeks like normal.

Lo and behold, I have it. So, I have been eating low carb mini meals and exercising more and all around avoiding good Mexican food because beans, rice, and tortillas (including chips) are all high carb foods. I love Mexican food, so this is like stealing half my meals. No bueno.

I also check my blood sugars 4 times a day (it was 6 last time, so hooray!) which is not very fun. I think I am starting to figure out the best way to eat, but what is truly awesome is that I have lost 2.5 lbs already in a week and a half! Now, I am working with a nutritionist on this and the goal is to control the sugars, not my weight. 

So, I am hoping that with the increased exercise and new meal plan, I will be able to lose weight while keeping myself and my child healthy.  Last pregnancy, I lost about 20 lbs over 12 weeks, so it could be possible.

Again, my goal is to have a healthy baby and healthy body so that I can take care of my babe as well as possible.

But, I am back now because I want to share about this struggle and maybe a few tricks I learn along the way.

It's been a while. . .

It has been a while.
A long while, too.
I just looked and the last time I posted, it was July.  Huh.  Yeah. . .a lot has happened in that time.
I lost weight, started school, and stopped exercising because I took on a super load of classwork and ran out of time.
No, let's be honest here.  It's the internet.  Where else can you be totally honest?
I stopped making time.
I stopped planning out meals, making them, trying to eat well and exercise more.
I am doing well in classes, but there is the sting of embarrassment every day when I try to squeeze into those tiny desks.  I want one day to be able to slide in and out easily.
Needless to say, I gained weight.  Like lots of weight.  At one point I had gotten down to 236 lbs and now I am back to 260.6 lbs.
I am so disappointed in myself.
I know it is hard, but I am losing steam.  I just keep seeing myself as this woman who has been through so much and I have come out on top of everything except for my weight.
I feel like I should cut myself some slack, but at the same time, I just end up eating my feelings.  Every. Single. Time.
I overeat as well.  I eat until I am so full that I feel as if I will burst.  This 'bursting' feeling is so awful.  But I can't stop myself.  It is as if I think I need to punish myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life.
I am feeling defeated.  But I have no more pants in size "defeated", so I have to get my act together or find some money in our budget for some new ones.
I am going to work on posting some more sometime soon.  And I will work on being cheerful, as difficult as that may be.
I need support right now, so thanks to all those who read this blog.  I hope it keeps me honest with losing weight!

It's Official

I'm depressed. 
At least I know it now and can *hopefully* change my habits before they become too destructive.
I just realized the past few days that my reaction to everything is to eat crappy food.
Over the past month, I have gone to SD, which was hot and muggy compared to my desert home.  I have a hard time keeping a positive self-image when visiting.  My beautiful & amazing mother verbalizes her hatred for her own amazing body multiple times a day.  And while praising my ability to lose weight, she constantly berated her own size 10 figure in front of me.  Even if I was smaller, I would still hate to hear her speak these things aloud.
Add to that the fact that I have NEVER been her size in my semi-adult years (post middle school), and how she says she is so "fat", and I feel like I had to constantly remind myself of my inner beauty to just get through the 2 weeks.
My husband was on his own vacation, so I wasn't even able to get hugs from him and cell reception for him was minimal, so I couldn't really talk with him like I had wanted.
Then, on my last day, I found out that the tooth pain that just sorta came out of nowhere was because a molar of mine needs a root canal and crown.  I got this mostly figured out after getting home, but my tooth is in so much pain I am taking ibuprofen/tylenol almost constantly.
At the very end of our vacation, about two hours before we were planning on taking off, my husband's step brother set off fire crackers (which are illegal here) 10 feet from me when I had let my guard down.  I FLIPPED out.  Like, screaming, crying, hyperventilating, picturing my son being blown up by this idiot's idea of a good time.  NOT a good day for me.
Since then, I have been on edge.  Add to that the fact that my son is entering his "terrible twos" phase with extreme fervor--complete with screaming at nothing, hitting, licking (yes, putting his tongue on everything, including me, the ipad, and many disgusting things), and then wanting me to sleep right next to him at night--and I may just be on my last nerve. 
I tend to hide under a desk when stuff like this happens, figuratively speaking, and so I couldn't make it to church (too many people in one spot) and it killed me to leave the house.
So I ate.  And stopped making good food because all I wanted was chocolate.  And cake.  And frozen pizzas.  And anything else that would make my mother cringe to know people eat.  Except Spam.  That stuff grosses me out to even think about.  *shudder*
And it wasn't until yesterday that I finally admitted I was depressed. 
My son has been going through a hitting phase--this is not a happy thing for me & stresses me out more than I can even begin to tell you.  He started hitting me yesterday when I had no option but to just hold him until we got to the car.  By the time we got to the car, I had already decided to get +Taco Bell.  What can I say, tacos are a comfort.
So now I am left with more weight to lose (I have gained 6.2 lbs since SD), a dark cloud hanging over my head, and very little sleep since my mouth is in pain.
Hopefully this will pass soon.